King of Guilford News

Adjust your own blinds and window size while taking a dump. The Guilford Window Blind Do you have a window in your shitter?  Don't waste money on an expensive blind. From Guilford's Things That Wipe Company comes the usable and totally replaceable Venetian Slat Blinds. Comes equipped with six rolls of paper. Window size doesn't matter. Just add your own rolls or length. Replace when used up. Get yours today.  12.95 from Things That Wipe. 

Following the lead of federal and local governments of really jamming it to citizens under the guise that they are doing something good for them, the King of Guilford decided to level new taxes on his peasant population. "Guilford is like any other government," the King said. "We are going to tax things people enjoy the most because we know they will pay anything to continue trying to enjoy their miserable pointless lives under endless regulations." Here is a partial list of new Guilford taxes. Junkyard Dog Tax In addition to the old $4.00 Ball Tax on male dogs in Guilford, there will be a $2.00 no ball tax for female dogs, and a $3.00 junkyard dog tax for any animal weighing over 22 pounds. There will be an additional $2.00 excise tax if a dog has all its teeth or has escaped from the Guilford Wang Fo You Chinese Restaurant with all limbs. Dogs over the age of twenty or missing a leg are exempt from the tax. Fireworks Tax... any explosive will have a new 10...

The giant volcanic hole may erupt this year. Hollywood would be gone, but is that a bad thing? Join The Big Asbestos Cork Project   During these times of stress over global warming (like this hasn't happened before),  some people are frantic because there is nothing they can do about changing climate. Why can't they make it rain? Why can't they make it colder or hotter? Why is there air? Why can't they just throw money at the problem? Well, you can throw money at a project that may save all of mankind. Forget the green earth scam; that's just mold and all talk and making money for doing nothing. The real issue facing world survival is the Yellowstone Caldera under Yellowstone National Park. It is the biggest active super volcano on the planet. If it blows (and it is due to blow) life on earth will pretty much be over. You won't have to worry about the sun shining or the rain falling or the giant squirting Amazon cockroach being wiped ou...

This experimental Guilford drone will be used to track and attack dirty peasants. King of Guilford Spies On Peasants The peasants in Guilford have been too quiet in the past few months, which could mean they are plotting something against the King again, according to Mindy Carpsworth Dickinstein, a reporter for the radical magazine The King Sucks. After their failure in the Bonehead War, started a few years ago when a peasant called the King a bonehead, the peasants have been secretly meeting to discuss getting rid of the less than beloved monarch. The word is out that since the King had been wounded by a flying hub cap during the war, he may not have the taste for a new conflict. "He needs to go," Dickenstein said. "His repressive form of leadership is out of step with the peasant movement of total government dependency without any source of income or political leadership." "I'm not a politician, I'm a King," the King said. ...

Watch out for this one. Keep your pants up, dirty peasants.

A typical job seminar in Guilford isn't very exciting since the pay is low and there are so many laws governing workers. (These peasants were hanged for falling asleep while the King was explaining yard work at the Guilford Castle.) Death Penalty #536471 Falling Asleep While The King Speaks To Dumbass Peasants Things That Work Lists Available Peasants Every company in Guilford is owned in part by the King. The company names must start with Things That. So Guilford has Things That Fly, Things That Smell, Things That Blow Up, etc. The newest kingdom backed effort is Things That Work. Prospective employers can hire cream of the crop peasants for cheap labor or any other need. The agency and the King take up to 40% of the peasant's minimum wage salary, but since the alternative is torture or being hanged, peasants don't complain much. Here are the available peasants for hire in the coming week. Harvey Lee Brusinski Like most peasants, Harvey sometim...

This picture could cause World War 3. Russia Ready To Attack Guilford King Dennis of Guilford has finally found a way to get some foreign power to attack him. The United States won't do it because they know the King just wants money to rebuild after the U.S. bombs Guilford. "No one would attack us on the ground," the King said. "Oppressed hillbillies are more deadly than any military forces on earth, and in Guilford, we keep our hillbillies fired up. It's a full time job trying to keep them from killing me." The King sent the above photo, without the captions, to Putin and said the one on the right, Texas Jack Dick Broadwell, was related to Putin so Putin was actually a hillbilly and not even Russian. "Your great-grandpa was a hillbilly," the King said in a letter to Putin. "He got shot in Guilford long ago. So you don't have the balls to invade us...and you owe me six thousand from our last card game." Appare...