King of Guilford News

One of Guilford's best selling products for those with that sort of perverse way of viewing life. Here's how to avoid penile fracture: don't use it like a pry bar. Don't hang weights on it to make it longer. Part of it is inside your body, held straight by fiber tissue. If the fiber is ripped through surgery or other means, the penis may gain an inch, but then it won't be well-grounded and will wobble around. No one wants a wobbling penis because it won't get super erect, and when you go in the bathroom you'll probably hit walls, floors, and other people. A common way that penile fracture happens is when a man thrusts too hard and fast during sex, and slams into his partner's pubic bone. Also, a woman who moves in spastic jerks while on top of you during sex can break your penis. There is no "penis bone," but you can snap it like a dry twig, and it's not a minor injury. When it happens, there's "a loud pop or snap." The...

The missile recently fired over the California coast was from Guilford, the King said today. "It's my latest attempt to get someone to declare war on Guilford so we can get money to rebuild after they bomb my peasants." But it is not the type of warhead used in the recent Bonehead War , which began when some peasant called the King a bonehead. The new more powerful missile contains no humans and is based on Dwight Bingham’s close observation of drunks using pay toilets in all-night hamburger restaurants in the 1960s. Back then, many restaurants had pay toilets. Customers had to insert a dime in the coin slot to use the toilet. Pay toilets are also the origin of the dance called the Limbo as customers attempted to use the toilet without paying for it. After several experiments where he witnessed toilet doors being blown off the hinges by drunken patrons, Bingham wrote the thesis that has become the space flight Bible: Pay Toilet Door Hinge Failure Due To Food Induced Ex...

If one can believe the slanted public relations, the King of Guilford is always open, in his own way, to new ideas on how to make life more productive for his dirty peasants. Some insane U.S. health researcher states that people can do an intense workout for 45 minutes on one day a week and receive the same benefit as if they worked out every day. The King used that idea and the same criteria that led him to Dickie the Stick and Ronnie the Rock to develop a new exercise program using something called Robbie the Rope. "The concept isn't new," the King said. "But now you don't have to use expensive scaffolds with steps to exercise. You can use Robbie the Rope with any tree, shower stall head, door frame, or traffic light." Stretching exercises that normally take hours in the gym can be done in a matter of minutes. "The neck holds the key to pain free living. It allows the mind to concentrate on other things like proper breathing. Just don't over d...