October 8th Columbus Day Guilford Version: His Bladder Led To America

It's Columbus Day. My post office is closed. Good for them. Columbus was one of my heroes. He is often considered on the same level as Hitler because he discovered America and the Indians ended up being conned out of their land. Like it was really their land. Like it was his fault. It's like saying the King of Guilford is evil just because I hang criminal peasants. (That kind of thinking comes from unemployed peasants with time for crime on their hands. The kind of peasants I hang so it is a natural balance in nature where the strong survive and the weak get hanged.)

Columbus was a drunk, but he was a smart guy. A rare manuscript from the Guilford archives shows America was really discovered by mistake. Here is a conversation recorded on parchment by Luis de Torres of Portugal, the Santa Maria historian, when Columbus discovered America.
First Mate: Why are we stopping here?

Columbus: I have to pee.

First Mate: Pee off the side of the ship.

Columbus: I'm ashamed of my dork. It&…

Zoo To Release Animals In Mount Airy Forest

GNS News: April 4, Cincinnati:
Cincinnati Zoo To Release Zoo Animals In Mt. Airy Forest
Due to budget cuts caused by the continued dispute over street car issues, parking, and their own salaries, the mayor's office approved a plan to release lions, cheetahs, three wolfs, two elephants, a rhino, and a giant python in Mt. Airy Forest Friday morning April 4, 2018. "We can no longer afford to feed them," a zoo official said late Sunday night. "This forces us to go along with the release program." The unidentified zoo spokesperson, who was not authorized to release information, said there would be a certain risk involved to surrounding communities, especially from the predators. "Mt. Airy Forest has over fifteen hundred acres in the center of several communities. We are askingthat everyone avoid the picnic areas and their backyards during this trying time. Keep small animals and children inside." Police who usually patrol the park are also being laid off due …

ISIS Attack In Guilford Again


Dortho: Guilford's Next Artist Star Is Rising

Dortho burst on to the scene last last week during a talent contest in Guilford. Some say it's Queen Dorothy, but others whisper than it's a dungeon peasant doing the artwork. No matter what, a major talent has erupted in Guilford and is taking the outside world by storm. The King hasn't made a comment and won't say whether Dortho art will be on the castle walls. Dortho, like most of Guilford, is a complete mystery to the outside world.That may soon change with conceptual art like ARMY ANTS, which at times has been confused with the brilliant ROCK CLIMBERS...but that happens when genius is discovered. Dortho is captivating the art world in a way most people don't understand. "I love it," peasant Grinda Burnwall said. "I don't know why, but I want one." Many others seem captivated as well. Soon, Dortho may soon be a household name.

For the first time anywhere. New abstract by rising star, Dortho. 
Critics call Dortho the next Pic…

Past President Quotes From The King of Guilford

The King of Guilford doesn't have a lot of spare time between fighting wars and hanging peasants and taking care of the only kingdom in the continental United States. When he does have time he puts together books that most Guilford peasants would never comprehend, while most of the outside world ignores an obvious genius. His new project involves quotes from past Presidents that are relevant to their character.
Everyone within a hundred miles of Plains, Georgia cashed in on the Jimmy Carter craze back in the 70's. People down south made all kinds of consumer gifts with Plains, Georgia engraved on them. Tourists flocked to Plains to buy these things. The King of Guilford knew this first hand because he was living down there at the time and worked a summer at GoldKist during the peanut harvest driving tractor trailers and old trucks on to the scales and drying peanuts to get out the water weight.
That's when the King met Lester Ray Goober. He was a legend even back then. Ji…

Why To Hire A Guilford Santa Or Maybe Not


Ball Prints A Reality on April 1, 2018

New DUI Technology Starts April 1, 2018
The city of Cincinnati has approved new technology to help identify thousands of possibly under the influence drivers. Things That Print, a Guilford company, has developed the Gonad Impression Kit, known by the trade name Ball Printer. Portable kits will be available to Cincinnati police for traffic stops and any sanctioned home invasion today.
Two vise grip folding gel squares, like a mouse glue trap, are tightened around the gonads to make an impression. The impressions are then stored using cloud technology and any copies destroyed, except for several odd ones printed in plastic that will hang at the Justice Center to scare prisoners. Since each ball print is different, some saggy and some different sizes, the identification is consistent with fingerprints for court evidence. 
"They wanted to try erect penis prints," a spokesperson for the Mayor said. "But I told them the evidence may not stand up in court. Balls pretty much stay …