New From Things That Wipe

The Guilford Window Blind

Do you have a window in your shitter? 

Don't waste money on an expensive blind. From Guilford's Things That Wipe Company comes the usable and totally replaceable Venetian Slat Blinds. Comes equipped with six rolls of paper. Window size doesn't matter. Just add your own rolls or length. Replace when used up. Get yours today. 

12.95 from Things That Wipe. 

New Guilford Taxes For 2017

Following the lead of federal and local governments of really jamming it to citizens under the guise that they are doing something good for them, the King of Guilford decided to level new taxes on his peasant population.
"Guilford is like any other government," the King said. "We are going to tax things people enjoy the most because we know they will pay anything to continue trying to enjoy their miserable pointless lives under endless regulations."
Here is a partial list of new Guilford taxes.

Junkyard Dog Tax
In addition to the old $4.00 Ball Tax on male dogs in Guilford, there will be a $2.00 no ball tax for female dogs, and a $3.00 junkyard dog tax for any animal weighing over 22 pounds. There will be an additional $2.00 excise tax if a dog has all its teeth or has escaped from the Guilford Wang Fo You Chinese Restaurant with all limbs. Dogs over the age of twenty or missing a leg are exempt from the tax.

Fireworks Tax...any explosive will have a new 10% tax. Any e…

New Author In Guilford


The Yellowstone Giant Asbestos Cork Project: Now is the time.

During these times of stress over global warming (like this hasn't happened before), some people are frantic because there is nothing they can do about changing climate. Why can't they make it rain? Why can't they make it colder or hotter? Why is there air? Why can't they just throw money at the problem?
Well, you can throw money at a project that may save all of mankind. Forget the green earth scam; that's just mold and all talk and making money for doing nothing. The real issue facing world survival is the Yellowstone Caldera under Yellowstone National Park. It is the biggest active super volcano on the planet. If it blows (and it is due to blow) life on earth will pretty much be over.
You won't have to worry about the sun shining or the rain falling or the giant squirting Amazon cockroach being wiped out by civilization and industry. No, your immediate worry will be trying to survive no sun, no air to breathe, and sub zero temperatures brought on by the explo…

Guilford Develops Drone Program

The peasants in Guilford have been too quiet in the past few months, which could mean they are plotting something against the King again, according to Mindy Carpsworth Dickinstein, a reporter for the radical magazine The King Sucks. After their failure in the Bonehead War, started a few years ago when a peasant called the King a bonehead, the peasants have been secretly meeting to discuss getting rid of the less than beloved monarch. The word is out that since the King had been wounded by a flying hub cap during the war, he may not have the taste for a new conflict. "He needs to go," Dickenstein said. "His repressive form of leadership is out of step with the peasant movement of total government dependency without any source of income or political leadership." "I'm not a politician, I'm a King," the King said. "I demand respect from those who are mere scullery maids in the kitchen of life.  Mindy will soon spend a few nights in the Whips and Ch…

WANTED:Rick "the Dick" Tick


Guilford's Job Ready Peasants Seek Employment

Every company in Guilford is owned in part by the King. The company names must start with Things That. So Guilford has Things That Fly, Things That Smell, Things That Blow Up, etc. The newest kingdom backed effort is Things That Work. Prospective employers can hire cream of the crop peasants for cheap labor or any other need. The agency and the King take up to 40% of the peasant's minimum wage salary, but since the alternative is torture or being hanged, peasants don't complain much. Here are the available peasants for hire in the coming week.
Harvey Lee Brusinski
Like most peasants, Harvey sometimes likes to fight when drunk so you may not want to include alcohol with employment. His most valuable asset is the ability to actually make people believe he is Bruce Willis filming another Die Hard/ Part 90. This can often lead to free meals and VIP treatment when you take him somewhere. Loves to wear dirty and bloody clothing. Available right now.

Donald Duckworth McNally
Donald …