Torture In Guilford: Humane And Healthy Way

Forget psychologists and their waterboarding, sleep deprival, beatings and starvation. The U.S. Government should have contracted with Guilford to get information from enemies, according to the King.

"We've always had a solution in Guilford. I'm not saying we don't torture for fun here. Some of these dirty peasants deserve it. There is nothing more exciting than seeing a toothless peasant dangling by the crotch or neck from a traffic light. But when we really need to get answers from terrorists, we use one thing that works and is also covered by many healthcare providers and is performed maybe a thousand times a day all over the country. I'm talking about the angiogram. Check an enemy for heart disease and then obtain all the information you can handle."
The Guilford Torture Manual* *section 14/page 297 revised with added diagnostics and a free yo-yo.
The Angiogram
1. Take terrorist to cold room full of strange pulsing machines and strange noises. Tell terrorist y…

Group Claims Guilford Peasants Are Psychotic

Typical Guilford peasants love to pose for pictures, but it's best just to toss money at them and not stray too close.
According to a radical newsletter The King Sucks, Guilford peasants, including all children, are considered to be psychotic by current medical standards. Mindy Cox-Feeler, peasant advocate and editor, has been under a death sentence in Guilford for the past four years because of the newsletter. "The King must be overthrown," she said. "His insane policies have created a society of possibly inbred idiots who don't know what's good for them. The situation could possibly be caused from a number of factors, including the short lifespan of a Guilford peasant due to executions, lack of proper food, a loving family unit, and constant work in the fields without education. What it boils down to is they bite."
"Mindy will hang from the Guilford traffic light when I catch her," the King said. "She's just some rich girl with three…

How To Get A Politician To Listen To You (Relevant today)


October 8th Columbus Day Guilford Version: His Bladder Led To America

It's Columbus Day. My post office is closed. Good for them. Columbus was one of my heroes. He is often considered on the same level as Hitler because he discovered America and the Indians ended up being conned out of their land. Like it was really their land. Like it was his fault. It's like saying the King of Guilford is evil just because I hang criminal peasants. (That kind of thinking comes from unemployed peasants with time for crime on their hands. The kind of peasants I hang so it is a natural balance in nature where the strong survive and the weak get hanged.)

Columbus was a drunk, but he was a smart guy. A rare manuscript from the Guilford archives shows America was really discovered by mistake. Here is a conversation recorded on parchment by Luis de Torres of Portugal, the Santa Maria historian, when Columbus discovered America.
First Mate: Why are we stopping here?

Columbus: I have to pee.

First Mate: Pee off the side of the ship.

Columbus: I'm ashamed of my dork. It&…

Zoo To Release Animals In Mount Airy Forest

GNS News: April 4, Cincinnati:
Cincinnati Zoo To Release Zoo Animals In Mt. Airy Forest
Due to budget cuts caused by the continued dispute over street car issues, parking, and their own salaries, the mayor's office approved a plan to release lions, cheetahs, three wolfs, two elephants, a rhino, and a giant python in Mt. Airy Forest Friday morning April 4, 2018. "We can no longer afford to feed them," a zoo official said late Sunday night. "This forces us to go along with the release program." The unidentified zoo spokesperson, who was not authorized to release information, said there would be a certain risk involved to surrounding communities, especially from the predators. "Mt. Airy Forest has over fifteen hundred acres in the center of several communities. We are askingthat everyone avoid the picnic areas and their backyards during this trying time. Keep small animals and children inside." Police who usually patrol the park are also being laid off due …

ISIS Attack In Guilford Again