Posts

Ball Prints A Reality on April 1, 2018

Image
New DUI Technology Starts April 1, 2018
The city of Cincinnati has approved new technology to help identify thousands of possibly under the influence drivers. Things That Print, a Guilford company, has developed the Gonad Impression Kit, known by the trade name Ball Printer. Portable kits will be available to Cincinnati police for traffic stops and any sanctioned home invasion today.
Two vise grip folding gel squares, like a mouse glue trap, are tightened around the gonads to make an impression. The impressions are then stored using cloud technology and any copies destroyed, except for several odd ones printed in plastic that will hang at the Justice Center to scare prisoners. Since each ball print is different, some saggy and some different sizes, the identification is consistent with fingerprints for court evidence. 
"They wanted to try erect penis prints," a spokesperson for the Mayor said. "But I told them the evidence may not stand up in court. Balls pretty much stay …

Columbus Day Guilford Version: His Bladder Led To America

Image
It's Columbus Day. My post office is closed. Good for them. Columbus was one of my heroes. He is often considered on the same level as Hitler because he discovered America and the Indians ended up being conned out of their land. Like it was really their land. Like it was his fault. It's like saying the King of Guilford is evil just because I hang criminal peasants. (That kind of thinking comes from unemployed peasants with time for crime on their hands. The kind of peasants I hang so it is a natural balance in nature where the strong survive and the weak get hanged.)
Columbus was a drunk, but he was a smart guy. A rare manuscript from the Guilford archives shows America was really discovered by mistake. Here is a conversation recorded on parchment by Luis de Torres of Portugal, the Santa Maria historian, when Columbus discovered America.
First Mate: Why are we stopping here?

Columbus: I have to pee.

First Mate: Pee off the side of the ship.

Columbus: I'm ashamed of my dork. It&…

New From Things That Wipe

Image
The Guilford Window Blind

Do you have a window in your shitter? 

Don't waste money on an expensive blind. From Guilford's Things That Wipe Company comes the usable and totally replaceable Venetian Slat Blinds. Comes equipped with six rolls of paper. Window size doesn't matter. Just add your own rolls or length. Replace when used up. Get yours today. 

12.95 from Things That Wipe. 

New Guilford Taxes For 2017

Image
Following the lead of federal and local governments of really jamming it to citizens under the guise that they are doing something good for them, the King of Guilford decided to level new taxes on his peasant population.
"Guilford is like any other government," the King said. "We are going to tax things people enjoy the most because we know they will pay anything to continue trying to enjoy their miserable pointless lives under endless regulations."
Here is a partial list of new Guilford taxes.

Junkyard Dog Tax
In addition to the old $4.00 Ball Tax on male dogs in Guilford, there will be a $2.00 no ball tax for female dogs, and a $3.00 junkyard dog tax for any animal weighing over 22 pounds. There will be an additional $2.00 excise tax if a dog has all its teeth or has escaped from the Guilford Wang Fo You Chinese Restaurant with all limbs. Dogs over the age of twenty or missing a leg are exempt from the tax.

Fireworks Tax...any explosive will have a new 10% tax. Any e…

New Author In Guilford

Image

The Yellowstone Giant Asbestos Cork Project: Now is the time.

Image
During these times of stress over global warming (like this hasn't happened before), some people are frantic because there is nothing they can do about changing climate. Why can't they make it rain? Why can't they make it colder or hotter? Why is there air? Why can't they just throw money at the problem?
Well, you can throw money at a project that may save all of mankind. Forget the green earth scam; that's just mold and all talk and making money for doing nothing. The real issue facing world survival is the Yellowstone Caldera under Yellowstone National Park. It is the biggest active super volcano on the planet. If it blows (and it is due to blow) life on earth will pretty much be over.
You won't have to worry about the sun shining or the rain falling or the giant squirting Amazon cockroach being wiped out by civilization and industry. No, your immediate worry will be trying to survive no sun, no air to breathe, and sub zero temperatures brought on by the explo…

Guilford Develops Drone Program

Image
The peasants in Guilford have been too quiet in the past few months, which could mean they are plotting something against the King again, according to Mindy Carpsworth Dickinstein, a reporter for the radical magazine The King Sucks. After their failure in the Bonehead War, started a few years ago when a peasant called the King a bonehead, the peasants have been secretly meeting to discuss getting rid of the less than beloved monarch. The word is out that since the King had been wounded by a flying hub cap during the war, he may not have the taste for a new conflict. "He needs to go," Dickenstein said. "His repressive form of leadership is out of step with the peasant movement of total government dependency without any source of income or political leadership." "I'm not a politician, I'm a King," the King said. "I demand respect from those who are mere scullery maids in the kitchen of life.  Mindy will soon spend a few nights in the Whips and Ch…