King of Guilford News

The Pigfarmus Sinus Cure Startup companies have been a way of life for both peasants and royalty in Guilford, and most of the companies begin with Things That. Things That Fly, Things That Suck, and Things That Stick In The Ground have all become Guilford trademarks, employing hundreds of peasants until they piss the King off and get executed or get killed in accidents. One company Stuff That Stinks , a corporate division of Things That Stink, developed the Guilford Pigfarmus sinus cure. One night while drunk and having sinus problems, the King passed a  toxic pig farm that cleared his sinus problems. Guilford scientists developed a manual delivery system for the Pigfarmus Sinus Cure that blew seven windows out of the FBI Office in the Federal Building in Cincinnati, Ohio during tests. "They didn't follow the directions," the King said. The prototype diagram of the Guilford Pigfarmus Sinus Cure says it all, and the factory exploded under m

(This article explains why Alex Trebek no longer has a mustache. He is trying to disguise himself in case he ever slips across the border into Guilford on his way back to Canada. There is a rumor that Alex Trebek has rented a bus to take every actor, comic and politician who says they will leave the country if Trump gets elected...out of the country to Canada or maybe Libya or maybe Saudi Arabia where they can enjoy their lives. They may find life in Mosul right up their alley.) Alex Trebek has been sentenced to death in Guilford under death penalty offense #42173/ Pissing Off the King With A Stupid Online Test. "If he ever comes to Guilford, he will be instantly hanged without trial or ceremony in front of St. Bluebeard Church." The King also announced free admission to all peasants bringing rocks to throw at Trebek. The King is so mad that any peasants who resemble Trebek will also be executed. Anyone in Guilford who isn't bald and has a mustache is in trouble.

        Tammy Melon starring in the way off-Broadway production “Old Mother Hubbard” displays the logistical                                        problems of even sitting up to get to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone. Ask The King of Guilford Where Do Fairy Tales Come From?     Most fairy tales or rhymes were and are reflections of current society during the time they were written. Humpty Dumpty was about a King.  Ring Around The Rosy was about the Black Death. Jack and Jill also made a political statement. That’s where most of them originate.     So being a smart guy King, I decided to write a very short fairy tale that could also double as a high school primer, based on our current cultural standards and reading level for the majority of students. The first fairy tale of my book is below. The King's  Modern Fairy Tale High School Primer I hope you are fine. I can see my house. My house sucks. It only has one x-box. I see Jane and

Guilford Clown Cartel members have trouble blending in so their use as intelligence operatives is compromised, says the CIA. The King says they are nuts. They blend in fine. CIA Dumps Guilford Operatives According to the Guilford King, the above picture shows a Guilford Militia CIA contractor (middle) outside a hotel in Syria, posing as a Muslim rebel soldier in the ongoing conflict...days before CIA the current director again canceled the sixteen million dollar contract to use contractors from Guilford. "The King lied again," a former CIA director said. "I bet they weren't even in Syria. Muslims don't wear clown noses. That looks like the library in Guilford." "Consider the source," the King said. "These are guys who think with their wiener and wallets. He wouldn't know the difference between a library and Syria. Of course, Muslims use clown noses when they don't have any other disguises, and most of the Muslims fightin

Hotel Guilfordo (red building) in a Rio luxury neighborhood. Rio Olympic Games the Guilford Way During the summer, the King of Guilford purchased a luxury hotel in Rio for the summer games.  "No one, including my dirty peasants, should have to pay a fortune to go to the Olympic Games in 2016." The Hotel Guilfordo features one bedroom suites with a bathroom on every floor for 200 dollars a week, which includes two meals and the escort to the games through the colorful neighborhood several miles from the Olympics. With the 1000 dollar round trip ticket on a 12 seat propeller seaplane, the trip only takes 46 hours down and 72 hours back. The entire Olympic experience minus event tickets is around 1600 dollars for three weeks. "You can't beat that with a stick," the King said. "You don't need a passport due to a Guilford agreement with Brazil. They trust us." Mindy Chadsworth Gippy, current editor of the paper The King Sucks , said this: