King of Guilford News

The Pigfarmus Sinus Cure Startup companies have been a way of life for both peasants and royalty in Guilford, and most of the companies begin with Things That. Things That Fly, Things That Suck, and Things That Stick In The Ground have all become Guilford trademarks, employing hundreds of peasants until they piss the King off and get executed or get killed in accidents. One company Stuff That Stinks , a corporate division of Things That Stink, developed the Guilford Pigfarmus sinus cure. One night while drunk and having sinus problems, the King passed a  toxic pig farm that cleared his sinus problems. Guilford scientists developed a manual delivery system for the Pigfarmus Sinus Cure that blew seven windows out of the FBI Office in the Federal Building in Cincinnati, Ohio during tests. "They didn't follow the directions," the King said. The prototype diagram of the Guilford Pigfarmus Sinus Cure says it all, and the factory exploded under m...

A Concise Christmas Photo Tour of the Guilford Castle (click photos to enlarge) The King is usually in turmoil and can be quite direct with his subjects (see sign at far left) , but then he seems to show Christmas spirit by the sign on the brick wall at right; until one of the servants let it slip that the sign was on the entrance to the Guilford Dungeon. The left photo shows Fred, the King's favorite peasant, hanging around the Castle Play Room. "He doesn't say much anymore," the King said. "And I can beat him at chess." On the right, the King's party crown is only brought out for special dinners or peasant hangings. The King's Card Game weapons: a stainless 45 caliber with special grips and 230 grain hollowpoints, and a 25 caliber double shot derringer. (He once had to pull both on a past Pope and the late John Gotti during marathon poker games. That funfest can be found in the Guilford historical record.) The King always carries both, which can m...

It's that time of the year again in Guilford, Indiana, where the peasants, like Christmas lights, hang from the trees year round. Every Saturday in September will be the late summer Drag Your Peasant Through The Creek Day. All Guilford residents are eligible to participate. Peasants being dragged must weigh at least 90 pounds and have arms and legs when the contest begins (artificial legs and arms acceptable). Draggers may not drag their wives, husbands, or other immediate family members. No four-wheelers allowed: horses only. The contest will be judged on speed, skips and bounces across boulders, and how much the peasant screams. First place will receive one brand new trained peasant from the Guilford Castle. Second place through last place get free beer and one night (without torture) chained in the Guilford dungeons. The King of Guilford says: "This replaces the annual drop your peasant in the creek day because the twelve-million dollar, two-hundred foot high tower c...