Torture In Guilford: Humane And Healthy Way
"We've always had a solution in Guilford. I'm not saying we don't torture for fun here. Some of these dirty peasants deserve it. There is nothing more exciting than seeing a toothless peasant dangling by the crotch or neck from a traffic light. But when we really need to get answers from terrorists, we use one thing that works and is also covered by many healthcare providers and is performed maybe a thousand times a day all over the country. I'm talking about the angiogram. Check an enemy for heart disease and then obtain all the information you can handle."
The Guilford Torture Manual*
* section 14/page 297 revised with added diagnostics and a free yo-yo.
The Angiogram
1. Take terrorist to cold room full of strange pulsing machines and strange noises. Tell terrorist you are going to administer a drug to calm his nerves. The drug makes terrorist half-goofy while you numb the groin entry site.
2. Have several pretty nurses jerk down his underwear and then promise to cover him up, but leave him exposed so he feels cold breeze. Then tell him not to move a muscle and keep his head perfectly straight.
3. Shave his crotch and tell him the head torturer will be there shortly. Turn on machines that thump and make banging noises. Have someone say "Oh-oh," or "oh, shit" several times.
4. Administer more drugs that keep terrorist awake so he will remember most of what is happening when the head torturer comes and the main groin artery is pierced and a camera is run up his main artery and into his heart to check for any coronary artery disease. Have someone say, "whoa, how is this guy still alive?" several times for psychological effect. Fix blockage problem with stents if a blockage is found.
5. Put terrorist in ICU and tell him to lay perfectly still for 12 hours. He cannot cough or blow his nose or sneeze or move his bowels or even pee hard. Any sudden movement of legs can cause point of entry to rupture and he will bleed out and die within about ten seconds.
6. After 12 hours, head torturer enters the ICU. Tells terrorist there has been a mistake. "Tell us what we need to know or we're going to do the entire procedure again and there's a good chance we might poke a hole in something, in which case, we will do it again and again until we fix what is wrong. And we'll give you an enema."
7. Repeat procedure if necessary. It's never been necessary. Terrorist supplies information and now has been saved from heart disease so he can be hanged in Guilford.
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