New Guilford Taxes For 2017

Following the lead of federal and local governments of really jamming it to citizens under the guise that they are doing something good for them, the King of Guilford decided to level new taxes on his peasant population.
"Guilford is like any other government," the King said. "We are going to tax things people enjoy the most because we know they will pay anything to continue trying to enjoy their miserable pointless lives under endless regulations."
Here is a partial list of new Guilford taxes.

 Junkyard Dog Tax
In addition to the old $4.00 Ball Tax on male dogs in Guilford, there will be a $2.00 no ball tax for female dogs, and a $3.00 junkyard dog tax for any animal weighing over 22 pounds. There will be an additional $2.00 excise tax if a dog has all its teeth or has escaped from the Guilford Wang Fo You Chinese Restaurant with all limbs. Dogs over the age of twenty or missing a leg are exempt from the tax.

Fireworks Tax...any explosive will have a new 10% tax. Any explosive above Hiroshima level will have an additional 10% tax added to the new tax. You must have a new $100.00 permit to explode anything nuclear on a Sunday. $50.00 surcharge on all suicide vests.

Dangerous Wiener Tax...something new...all Guilford men above age 18 must purchase the shirt below for $100 to warn all female peasants about their large sex organs. Any man who opts out of the program will become victims of the small wiener rumor syndrome. The King expects that no male peasant will opt out of this program.









Breathe the Air Tax...up until now air was free. Remember how air for tires used to be free at gas stations but now it costs money? The King decided the air in Guilford belongs to him and now peasants will have to pay $5.00 per month per peasant to inhale oxygen in Guilford. (Peasants who die during any given year will be charged for entire year. Breathing not transferable.)










Alcohol and Cigarette Tax...$5.00 tax on every purchase, no exceptions, making a pack of cigarettes $14.00 in Guilford. Guilford Footlong Menthols are the most popular brand among peasants. A pack of Guilford cigarettes last three times as long as regular cigarettes and contain enough nicotine to turn a peasant brownish yellow in less than two months. Brain Trauma Beer made in Guilford comes in a 12 packs and contains at least 20% but not over 46% alcohol.  










The above taxes are a fraction of the new taxes about to be launched in Guilford. There will also be parking meters installed in downtown Guilford near the Post Office. Two dollars for ten minutes, and if your meter expires, you will spend a night in the Whips and Chains room of the Guilford Dungeon, and equal opportunity dungeon where race, religion, and political beliefs are not considered when being punished. In addition, there will also be a Tax/Tax on the new taxes, and pay toilets are coming to Guilford once again (just like the ones they used to have in White Castle restaurants and other places. Practice the Limbo so you can get under the stall door and go for free. Look for them soon in all state parks and rest areas.)


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