King of Guilford News

GUILFORD ENFORCES NEW DUI LAW Based on an Ohio law, and in a stunning reversal of the former Guilford law that required everyone to drive drunk, King Dennis of Guilford has ordered all peasants convicted of having even one drink to be marked with a permanent scarlet DP across their foreheads. The DP stands for Drunk Peasant. Every member of the guilty peasant's family, going back three generations, will also be required to sport the DP on their foreheads. This should not be confused with other DP forehead markings common in Guilford... Dead Peasant (white tattoo)...Dumb Prick (green tattoo). "My law requiring everyone to drive drunk served its purpose," the King said. "We got rid of thousands of crappy SUVs in Guilford, and now it's time to force some more money out of peasants by reversing the law. We'll make a fortune because Guilford's Brain Trauma Beer has thirty percent alcohol and every peasant in Guilford above age four is a drunk....

With the new tower crane for dropping peasants into the creek behind them, thousands of Guilford peasants protested today in the King's Creek Park to have him removed from being the King. "It wasn't much of a protest," an unauthorized anonymous spokesman for the King said. "I'm not saying this really happened because I'm not supposed to say this happened, but it happened. The peasants all got drunk, took off their clothes, and groveled in the dirt. They want the King replaced, but they are too drunk to care right now." The alcoholism rate in Guilford is somewhere around 93%, according to Missy Kikendale Strubble, a lawyer associated with FDGP (Free Dirty Guilford Peasants) . "When you are born in Guilford, you are pre-disposed to being a drunken sot," Missy said, after her attempts to get the peasants to storm the Guilford Castle failed. The King disagrees. "I disagree," the King said. "What does she know, she has three name...