King of Guilford News

The Guilford Bank has joined the credit card ranks by offering the new anti-theft "Whips N Chains" consumer credit card. Using a simple plan followed by other credit card companies to prey on consumers with little or no credit, the new card guarantees no one can use the card if it is stolen or lost. "Each card is issued with a $4000 line of credit," the King said. "But with our upfront fees, the consumer is already up to the limit before they make a purchase. If someone steals the card they won't be able to buy anything with it. It's guaranteed anti-theft and legally in tune with the endless screwing other major credit card companies now give the average consumer." Mandy Cribbits, a consumer credit advocate, advises weighing the advantages of the Guilford card against the drawbacks before signing anything. Read the small print. ADVANTAGES 1. Anyone can get the card. 2. Looks good on credit report because no late payments are reported. ...

The King will run on his flying car platform. King Dennis Runs For President King Dennis of Guilford has decided to run for President of the United States under his Guilford Party Platform and move his headquarters to Guilford.  "I will run on a flying car platform," the King said. "Anyone who votes for me will get a free flying car when I get one. They promised us flying cars by 2000 when I was a kid, and I will make sure we get them during my tour. Since everyone in the world seems to be running for president, I may as well join the group." When asked why he would make a good President, the King replied, "There are no longer any Americans in Washington. Try going to the monuments area and speak English. Never thought I would see this. You will be lucky if you find anyone who speaks English. Who let this happen?" When asked what he would actually do if elected, the King said: 1. Fire every crooked politician in the pockets of foreign ...

The King Makes A Profound Statement Lettuce Will Rot Your Brain The King hates lettuce, and Guilford scientists discovered yesterday (under duress) the lettuce link that causes Brain Drisslemonius, or a brain turning to liquid and coming out the nose. It's a rare disease, but one that has been given little attention over the years because no one could figure out the cause. Now, scientists in Sweden have conducted a study and found conclusive evidence that eating lettuce will destroy all brain function and turn you into a vegetable. It's always been known that lettuce is useless. There are no health benefits to eating lettuce, other than the fact that restaurants get rich charging a fortune for salads with lettuce. The phrase "let us begin" came from the word lettuce and seems to be the only significance from lettuce. Spinach is much better and will give you "arms the size of Popeye," one scientist said. So far the disease has seemed to hi...

(Written during the great Swine flu supposed epidemic back in 2009 when the taxpayer got stuck paying for a bunch of government bought vaccine no one needed.) The Swine Flu is everywhere in Guilford, according to the Guilford Health Department. The King charges for the vaccine, which he says is abundant in Guilford. "There are always shortages when stuff is free," the King said. "But when you charge for it, we never run out." Peasants must get the vaccine in Guilford or face death under new law #6241 Refusing An Injection For An Obscure Disease Created In A Guilford Lab. If they show any symptoms at all, peasants will be bound by law to be injected with the Swine Flu vaccine manufactured by Things That Sting, a King owned company. Each family will be charged $200 per peasant, except for the first week of November when the vaccine will be half priced according to the sign on the Guilford General Store. Since it is impossible to tell who has Swine Flu,...

KING OF GUILFORD NEWS  The book (second row left) Waiting For An Open Bed   provided the perfect cover for the King to be missing from Guilford. He hasn't been to Sunnyvale in years. (click to enlarge)   Southeast Indiana News:   Guilford War Uses 12,000 Pound Nut Bomb      King Dennis of Guilford's phony return from the Sunnyvale Mental Rehab Facility was a cover story to keep outsiders from coming to Guilford while he faced a terrorist uprising that has, until now, been ignored by the media.     "The Guilford castle had been under attack for weeks," the King said. "The story that I was crazy was just a cover so I could eliminate the terrorist threat in Guilford."   According to a media report, the attack on the King has been confined to the castle grounds, and so far 64 Guilford Militia troops have been killed or wounded. The Queen of Guilford was wounded by shrapnel and the King was shot in the left leg. The r...

FROM THE PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICE OF THE KING OF GUILFORD Members of the Guilford Royal Boy Scouts, a teenage version of the Guilford Militia, won their first merit badge for hunting when open season on dirty peasants began at 12:01 A.M. on the 10th of April. (The attached picture shows the Royal Boy Scouts in their seasonal Spring Garb with their first dirty peasant. The King's picture is on the back of each uniform.) "It's a program I started when I first became King," the King said. "We lost several militia during recent wars and I have to do something to replace them. The program is based on the military training regimen. We also use several techniques used to train U.S. Secret Service Agents." The Guilford Boy Scouts, all members of upper class Guilford families, carry only pistols until they become full fledged militia. In addition to hunting, the Scouts must earn badges in: 1. Cussing Peasants 2. Stomping Peasants 3. Hanging two peasants from on...

One of Guilford's best selling products for those with that sort of perverse way of viewing life. Here's how to avoid penile fracture: don't use it like a pry bar. Don't hang weights on it to make it longer. Part of it is inside your body, held straight by fiber tissue. If the fiber is ripped through surgery or other means, the penis may gain an inch, but then it won't be well-grounded and will wobble around. No one wants a wobbling penis because it won't get super erect, and when you go in the bathroom you'll probably hit walls, floors, and other people. A common way that penile fracture happens is when a man thrusts too hard and fast during sex, and slams into his partner's pubic bone. Also, a woman who moves in spastic jerks while on top of you during sex can break your penis. There is no "penis bone," but you can snap it like a dry twig, and it's not a minor injury. When it happens, there's "a loud pop or snap." The...