King's New Anti-theft Credit Card Updated

The Guilford Bank has joined the credit card ranks by offering the new anti-theft "Whips N Chains" consumer credit card. Using a simple plan followed by other credit card companies to prey on consumers with little or no credit, the new card guarantees no one can use the card if it is stolen or lost.

"Each card is issued with a $4000 line of credit," the King said. "But with our upfront fees, the consumer is already up to the limit before they make a purchase. If someone steals the card they won't be able to buy anything with it. It's guaranteed anti-theft and legally in tune with the endless screwing other major credit card companies now give the average consumer."
Mandy Cribbits, a consumer credit advocate, advises weighing the advantages of the Guilford card against the drawbacks before signing anything. Read the small print.

ADVANTAGES1. Anyone can get the card.

2. Looks good on credit report because no late payments are reported.

3. Dumb people can sign their name with an X.

4. No interest for first four years. (updated from two years)

5. No cash advance fee.

6. Comes with 8x12 foot picture of King and Queen whipping hump-backed peasants.

7. Comes with four  "Get out of death sentences free" cards. (updated from three)

8. No phone calls by non-English speakers trying to sell you dumb shit you don't need.


DISADVANTAGES1. You're already in debt due to high membership fees: $4000

2. No agreement in place for most stores to accept card except in Guilford.

3. After four years interest is 50% annually. (downgraded from 72%)

4. No name except "Dirty Peasant" on every card. Must memorize card number.

5. A late payment fee is $300 for first three times late.

6. On fourth late payment, they make you watch reruns of 2012 Presidential Debates.

7. Card may be revoked for anything remotely connected to domestic terrorism. (Calling the King an idiot.)

8. Can't file bankruptcy because it's a Guilford government bank.

9. Miss an entire payment and they come to your house and molest everyone.(downgraded from kill everyone.)



(endorsed by the Dirty Peasant Cage Fighting Trailer Dwellers Collective)

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