King of Guilford News

FROM THE PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICE OF THE KING OF GUILFORD Members of the Guilford Royal Boy Scouts, a teenage version of the Guilford Militia, won their first merit badge for hunting when open season on dirty peasants began at 12:01 A.M. on the 10th of April. (The attached picture shows the Royal Boy Scouts in their seasonal Spring Garb with their first dirty peasant. The King's picture is on the back of each uniform.) "It's a program I started when I first became King," the King said. "We lost several militia during recent wars and I have to do something to replace them. The program is based on the military training regimen. We also use several techniques used to train U.S. Secret Service Agents." The Guilford Boy Scouts, all members of upper class Guilford families, carry only pistols until they become full fledged militia. In addition to hunting, the Scouts must earn badges in: 1. Cussing Peasants 2. Stomping Peasants 3. Hanging two peasants from on...

One of Guilford's best selling products for those with that sort of perverse way of viewing life. Here's how to avoid penile fracture: don't use it like a pry bar. Don't hang weights on it to make it longer. Part of it is inside your body, held straight by fiber tissue. If the fiber is ripped through surgery or other means, the penis may gain an inch, but then it won't be well-grounded and will wobble around. No one wants a wobbling penis because it won't get super erect, and when you go in the bathroom you'll probably hit walls, floors, and other people. A common way that penile fracture happens is when a man thrusts too hard and fast during sex, and slams into his partner's pubic bone. Also, a woman who moves in spastic jerks while on top of you during sex can break your penis. There is no "penis bone," but you can snap it like a dry twig, and it's not a minor injury. When it happens, there's "a loud pop or snap." The...

(This Guilford Headline from 2008 tells the story of some interesting people who lived in Guilford, and would still be living there, if the King had not seized power.) Southeast Indiana News: Guilford Historian To Be Executed Bobby Lee Jamison is a rare Guilford commodity. Bobby Lee is the only Guilford peasant to obtain a college degree while in state prison for robbing pizza delivery drivers in nearby Lawrenceburg. A history major, a fashion designer, and an expert on old paintings, he returned to Guilford two weeks ago. Now, he will be the first peasant hanged this weekend from the flagpole at the Guilford Post Office. He will be executed for death penalty offense #4639 Talking Bad About The King's Relatives. It all started over the painting above, when King Dennis claimed to have traced his relatives back a hundred generations to Rome. The King claimed the victorious gladiator was his uncle, Uranus Maximus . When the King asked Bobby Lee Jamison to translate Uranus Maximu...

The Guilford traffic light collapsed last year under the weight of hanging peasants. The Hangings That Changed Guilford  It happened a few years ago and changed life in Guilford since that time. Historians called it the Bonehead War. A peasant called the King of Guilford "a bonehead with the brain function of shredded wheat", and began a conflict that cost over 2000 lives and a King wounded by a flying hubcap. King Dennis of Guilford had ordered an immediate attack by the militia and added, "I'm not angry about being called a bonehead, but we can't have dirty peasants here speaking in complete coherent sentences and talking bad about my favorite breakfast cereal." T he King and his "mad militia" won the war, but the hangings weren't over until last weekend when the last peasant captured during the Bonnelle Battle was hanged in front of the Post Office.   The Guilford Traffic Light worked very well for traffic tickets. Pl...

This Guilford Pig may resemble the dead Chinese pigs. BEIJING:   Pig carcasses, nearly 14,000 of them, have been floating down rivers that feed into Shanghai for nearly two weeks. The city's residents have been told not to worry, and not much else. No one, including the government, seems to know where they are coming from and why. Several extreme Liberals in the United States claim that it has to do with assault weapon control, putting the blame on the legal and law abiding citizen gun owners in America for causing all world problems. "There is no doubt," one senator, who wasn't authorized to speak, said. "The import of cheap assault weapons from China has led to all these helpless pigs being used for target practice. We need legislation to stop this now." The senator said this despite claims by the Chinese government that the pigs had not been shot. "They lie a lot," the senator said. Muslim extremists claim they did i...

Fast Facts From Guilford Culture Startup companies have been a way of life for both peasants and royalty in Guilford, and most of the companies begin with Things That. Things Tha t Fly, Things That Suck, and Things That Stick In The Ground have all become Guilford trademarks, employing hundreds of peasants until they piss the King off and get executed or get killed in accidents. One company Stuff That Stinks, a corporate division of Things That Stink, developed the Guilford Pigfarmus sinus cure . One night while drunk and having sinus problems, the King passed a a toxic pig farm that cleared his sinus problems. Guilford scientists developed a manual delivery system for the Pigfarmus Sinus Cure that blew seven windows out of the FBI Office in the Federal Building in Cincinnati, Ohio during tests. "They didn't follow the directions," the King said. The prototype diagram of the Guilford Pigfarmus Sinus Cure says it all, and the factory exploded under mysterious c...

Things You May See In Guilford  Peasant Ernie Boyle posed in the Guilford Dungeon as he displays his new set of free dentures.  Made by Things That Go In Your Mouth, Guilford dentures are cheap. Most peasants only need two tooth dentures.   "These things is great for chewing," Ernie Boyle said, from his dungeon cell where he has been imprisoned for three months for calling the King a bonehead. "That King is a good man." The King smiled when asked about Ernie. "It's a good thing for him he only needed the two tooth denture. If he had all of his teeth, I would have hanged him to avoid a deficit. So in his case, tooth decay saved his life."        Some of the King's art hangs along the 3000 castle stairs. The King claims he has cut expenses since the old castle had 10,000 stairs. The King was almost killed in action the day he ventured outside Guilford and stumbled into a feminist protest while trying t...