Dead Chinese Pigs

This Guilford Pig may resemble the dead Chinese pigs.

BEIJING:  Pig carcasses, nearly 14,000 of them, have been floating down rivers that feed into Shanghai for nearly two weeks. The city's residents have been told not to worry, and not much else. No one, including the government, seems to know where they are coming from and why. Several extreme Liberals in the United States claim that it has to do with assault weapon control, putting the blame on the legal and law abiding citizen gun owners in America for causing all world problems.

"There is no doubt," one senator, who wasn't authorized to speak, said. "The import of cheap assault weapons from China has led to all these helpless pigs being used for target practice. We need legislation to stop this now." The senator said this despite claims by the Chinese government that the pigs had not been shot.

"They lie a lot," the senator said.

Muslim extremists claim they did it, but China denied this, and a spokesperson, who wasn't supposed to speak, says: "They take credit for everything that goes wrong everywhere."

A scientist from Haiti, Radnor Phelps, claims the floating pigs are not really pigs but something called a Chinese pig-faced grass carp, and that there must have been some biological mishap to cause such a fish kill.

In 2005, the U.S. government gave a $500,000 grant to a group to find out why people who live up to a mile downwind of a pig farm get more depressed than the average person. The King of Guilford, the only monarch in U.S. territory, said: "That's kind of a no-brainer. I could have done the same study for ten bucks and a twelve pack."

The King, through a company named Things That Stink, developed a sinus cure, Pigfarmus, after he passed a pig farm while drunk and the smell cleared his sinuses. The scent blew the windows out of the Federal Building during a test trial, and the Pigfarmus factory exploded a year later, killing 30 peasant workers.

As of today, there are no answers to the pig mystery. And when the Chinese do discover what happened, workers at Walmart will probably know before anyone else.