King of Guilford News

Dirty peasant Steve Krebble, the first Guilford Santa, couldn't handle children and took his own   way out rather than Guilford hanging. A Guilford trained peasant Santa may be working the streets of your town this year. (click to enlarge) Hire A Guilford Santa (If You Dare) A company started last Christmas season, Things That Jingle, is already in trouble in the United States for the actions of its employees. All companies in Guilford must start with the words Things That according to a spokesperson for the King of Guilford. Things That Fly, Things That Bounce, Things That Blowup, Things That Stink.... the list could go on as the King comes up with more ideas to fill the castle coffers. The results are often not what is expected when Guilford peasants migrate into the outside world beyond the Guilford borders. As seen above, the Guilford Santa on hire to a local community is supposed to jingle when he walks, thanks to the set of bells attached to the pierced rin...

Simple, yet effective for imprinting gonads for cloud storage. New DUI Technology Starts April 1, 2018 The city of Cincinnati has approved new technology to help identify thousands of possibly under the influence drivers. Things That Print, a Guilford company, has developed the Gonad Impression Kit, known by the trade name Ball Printer. Portable kits will be available to Cincinnati police for traffic stops and any sanctioned home invasion today. Two vise grip folding gel squares, like a mouse glue trap, are tightened around the gonads to make an impression. The impressions are then stored using cloud technology and any copies destroyed, except for several odd ones printed in plastic that will hang at the Justice Center to scare prisoners. Since each ball print is different, some saggy and some different sizes, the identification is consistent with fingerprints for court evidence.  "They wanted to try erect penis prints," a spokesperson for the Mayor said. ...

Adjust your own blinds and window size while taking a dump. The Guilford Window Blind Do you have a window in your shitter?  Don't waste money on an expensive blind. From Guilford's Things That Wipe Company comes the usable and totally replaceable Venetian Slat Blinds. Comes equipped with six rolls of paper. Window size doesn't matter. Just add your own rolls or length. Replace when used up. Get yours today.  12.95 from Things That Wipe. 

Following the lead of federal and local governments of really jamming it to citizens under the guise that they are doing something good for them, the King of Guilford decided to level new taxes on his peasant population. "Guilford is like any other government," the King said. "We are going to tax things people enjoy the most because we know they will pay anything to continue trying to enjoy their miserable pointless lives under endless regulations." Here is a partial list of new Guilford taxes. Junkyard Dog Tax In addition to the old $4.00 Ball Tax on male dogs in Guilford, there will be a $2.00 no ball tax for female dogs, and a $3.00 junkyard dog tax for any animal weighing over 22 pounds. There will be an additional $2.00 excise tax if a dog has all its teeth or has escaped from the Guilford Wang Fo You Chinese Restaurant with all limbs. Dogs over the age of twenty or missing a leg are exempt from the tax. Fireworks Tax... any explosive will have a new 10...

The giant volcanic hole may erupt this year. Hollywood would be gone, but is that a bad thing? Join The Big Asbestos Cork Project   During these times of stress over global warming (like this hasn't happened before),  some people are frantic because there is nothing they can do about changing climate. Why can't they make it rain? Why can't they make it colder or hotter? Why is there air? Why can't they just throw money at the problem? Well, you can throw money at a project that may save all of mankind. Forget the green earth scam; that's just mold and all talk and making money for doing nothing. The real issue facing world survival is the Yellowstone Caldera under Yellowstone National Park. It is the biggest active super volcano on the planet. If it blows (and it is due to blow) life on earth will pretty much be over. You won't have to worry about the sun shining or the rain falling or the giant squirting Amazon cockroach being wiped ou...

This experimental Guilford drone will be used to track and attack dirty peasants. King of Guilford Spies On Peasants The peasants in Guilford have been too quiet in the past few months, which could mean they are plotting something against the King again, according to Mindy Carpsworth Dickinstein, a reporter for the radical magazine The King Sucks. After their failure in the Bonehead War, started a few years ago when a peasant called the King a bonehead, the peasants have been secretly meeting to discuss getting rid of the less than beloved monarch. The word is out that since the King had been wounded by a flying hub cap during the war, he may not have the taste for a new conflict. "He needs to go," Dickenstein said. "His repressive form of leadership is out of step with the peasant movement of total government dependency without any source of income or political leadership." "I'm not a politician, I'm a King," the King said. ...

Watch out for this one. Keep your pants up, dirty peasants.

A typical job seminar in Guilford isn't very exciting since the pay is low and there are so many laws governing workers. (These peasants were hanged for falling asleep while the King was explaining yard work at the Guilford Castle.) Death Penalty #536471 Falling Asleep While The King Speaks To Dumbass Peasants Things That Work Lists Available Peasants Every company in Guilford is owned in part by the King. The company names must start with Things That. So Guilford has Things That Fly, Things That Smell, Things That Blow Up, etc. The newest kingdom backed effort is Things That Work. Prospective employers can hire cream of the crop peasants for cheap labor or any other need. The agency and the King take up to 40% of the peasant's minimum wage salary, but since the alternative is torture or being hanged, peasants don't complain much. Here are the available peasants for hire in the coming week. Harvey Lee Brusinski Like most peasants, Harvey sometim...

This picture could cause World War 3. Russia Ready To Attack Guilford King Dennis of Guilford has finally found a way to get some foreign power to attack him. The United States won't do it because they know the King just wants money to rebuild after the U.S. bombs Guilford. "No one would attack us on the ground," the King said. "Oppressed hillbillies are more deadly than any military forces on earth, and in Guilford, we keep our hillbillies fired up. It's a full time job trying to keep them from killing me." The King sent the above photo, without the captions, to Putin and said the one on the right, Texas Jack Dick Broadwell, was related to Putin so Putin was actually a hillbilly and not even Russian. "Your great-grandpa was a hillbilly," the King said in a letter to Putin. "He got shot in Guilford long ago. So you don't have the balls to invade us...and you owe me six thousand from our last card game." Appare...

GUILFORD ENFORCES NEW DUI LAW Based on an Ohio law, and in a stunning reversal of the former Guilford law that required everyone to drive drunk, King Dennis of Guilford has ordered all peasants convicted of having even one drink to be marked with a permanent scarlet DP across their foreheads. The DP stands for Drunk Peasant. Every member of the guilty peasant's family, going back three generations, will also be required to sport the DP on their foreheads. This should not be confused with other DP forehead markings common in Guilford... Dead Peasant (white tattoo)...Dumb Prick (green tattoo). "My law requiring everyone to drive drunk served its purpose," the King said. "We got rid of thousands of crappy SUVs in Guilford, and now it's time to force some more money out of peasants by reversing the law. We'll make a fortune because Guilford's Brain Trauma Beer has thirty percent alcohol and every peasant in Guilford above age four is a drunk....

Sandy makes this Stromboli from scratch using peasant labor. Sandy giving instructions for Sandy's Stromboli. The man at the far end works for the government in biological weapons. They are interested in her recipes for covert operations. Several new students were put in the hospital until they build a tolerance to the recipe. Sandy got the idea from her sandwich from Stromboli Volcano. Six of her husbands have disappeared while on trips to Stromboli. Guilford Television Network Picks Up New Show A member of the Guilford Royal Family who goes only by the name Sandy , has been picked to have her own Guilford Cable Show named Sandy's Stromboli. Mindy Chadsworth Gippy, current editor of The King Sucks magazine knows Sandy well.  "She's had more husbands die than the Borgia women. The ability to poison food runs strong in the Guilford bloodline. And out of the group, she had trouble boiling water. How she got a cooking show is beyond me....

FAA Rates Guilford Airlines Most Dangerous New proof recently discovered from a fatal TWA crash over rural Illinois years ago has led the FAA to change the cause of a crash from mechanical failure to a mid-air collision with a Guilford Airlines commercial jet. "Anyone flying on Guilford Airlines is nuts," a spokeman said. "They train their pilots on the video games in the Walmart lobby." King Dennis of Guilford said the FAA is nuts. "My pilots are the finest. They aren't much on taking off and landing, but the Walmart Skyraider video game is one of the best trainers in existence. I can train a commercial pilot for twenty bucks." The FAA said the oncoming Guilford pilot in the picture has been identified as Leonard Schitz, a peasant who had both arms chopped off by the King three years ago while working in the castle garden. "It's my policy to hire the disabled," the King said. "Leonard could drop a bomb ...

The King of of Guilford has long been known for his sheer genius approach to poetry. "I love poetry. I learned my craft on a thousand gas stations walls when I was too poor to own paper to go with my crayon pencil." Mindy Chadsworth Gippy, the editor of The King Sucks  newsletter had this to say:  "You can't claim to learn writing by sneaking in the women's bathroom and putting For A Good Time Call and then adding your phone number on the stall wall." "She's angry because I didn't call her back when she requested an interview," the King said. "Disregard anything she says. When I catch her she'll decorate the Guilford traffic light." Them Thar Roses (a poem) Them Thar Roses are all for me Them Thar Roses i got them free Them Thar Roses are finer than hell Them Thar Roses sure do smell Them Thar Roses from mom and dad Them Thar Roses sure make me glad Them Thar Roses yo...

Guilford Missile Launch The United States recently announced its nuclear arsenal is down to a little over 5000 weapons, a 75% cut since 1989. Since one modern warhead (nothing like the tiny things they used in WW2 on Japan) is pretty much enough to destroy most life on earth, this isn't all that big of a deal and makes a person kind of shake their head when they think about why anyone would need that many weapons if one of them could destroy the entire earth. But in Guilford, King Dennis announced today that he is cutting back his nuclear arsenal by 80 warheads, an 80% cut since the Bonehead War a few years ago. This means Guilford will only have 20 remaining nuclear warheads. This seems like quite a step in the right direction until the FDGP (Free Dirty Guilford Peasants) Italian born weapons specialist, Horst Marino, analyzed the Guilford weapons. "A Guilford nuclear warhead isn't quite up to levels we consider a risk to the planet," Horst sai...