Guilford Cuts Nuclear Arsenal

Guilford Missile Launch

The United States recently announced its nuclear arsenal is down to a little over 5000 weapons, a 75% cut since 1989. Since one modern warhead (nothing like the tiny things they used in WW2 on Japan) is pretty much enough to destroy most life on earth, this isn't all that big of a deal and makes a person kind of shake their head when they think about why anyone would need that many weapons if one of them could destroy the entire earth.

But in Guilford, King Dennis announced today that he is cutting back his nuclear arsenal by 80 warheads, an 80% cut since the Bonehead War a few years ago. This means Guilford will only have 20 remaining nuclear warheads. This seems like quite a step in the right direction until the FDGP (Free Dirty Guilford Peasants) Italian born weapons specialist, Horst Marino, analyzed the Guilford weapons.

"A Guilford nuclear warhead isn't quite up to levels we consider a risk to the planet," Horst said. "It consists of two peasants in a garbage can with ball bearings in their pockets tied around a car battery operated microwave oven full of dynamite. The weapon is launched from a long range catapault."

Made by a Guilford Company, Things That Explode, the weapon system is believed to be responsible for the end of the recent war. The company has a contract for 20 more weapons if a new war should erupt.

"The King is nuts," Horst said. "He treats his peasants like expendable assets to be used at will."

"What government doesn't do that to its peasants?" the King replied. "Besides, who ever heard of an Italian guy named Horst?"

The picture above shows a midnight Guilford nuclear weapons launch during the Bonehead War a few years ago. The war started when the late James Wilson called the King a bonehead with the brain function of shredded wheat. Wilson was executed under a little known Guilford death penalty #6134 Making Fun of the King's Favorite Breakfast Cereal.

Dennis Latham Books