Ball Prints A Reality on April 1, 2018


Simple, yet effective for imprinting gonads for cloud storage.
New DUI Technology Starts April 1, 2018

The city of Cincinnati has approved new technology to help identify thousands of possibly under the influence drivers. Things That Print, a Guilford company, has developed the Gonad Impression Kit, known by the trade name Ball Printer. Portable kits will be available to Cincinnati police for traffic stops and any sanctioned home invasion today.

Two vise grip folding gel squares, like a mouse glue trap, are tightened around the gonads to make an impression. The impressions are then stored using cloud technology and any copies destroyed, except for several odd ones printed in plastic that will hang at the Justice Center to scare prisoners. Since each ball print is different, some saggy and some different sizes, the identification is consistent with fingerprints for court evidence. 

"They wanted to try erect penis prints," a spokesperson for the Mayor said. "But I told them the evidence may not stand up in court. Balls pretty much stay the same, unless you spend the night in the freezer."

Monk Gruber from Things That Print had this comment. "Fingerprints can be changed or altered and so can facial features, but no man on earth will disfigure his own balls. It's foolproof."

Mindy Morganstern Frippy, editor of Everything Is A Problem, a print newsletter, said: "The city is violating every human right. Obviously, many people do not have the intelligence or the means to overcome such oppression. The best way is to refuse to pull your balls out."

All Cincinnati men or visitors can expect to be ball printed during traffic stops. "This could create a traffic hazard as males are ordered to drop their pants to have their balls squeezed between two glue traps," a spokesman for traffic control said. "But we don't have the power to stop it."

Refusing balls prints is an automatic admission of guilt.

Larry Smith, from Northside had this to say, after he was a test subject during the brief trial period. "Hell, I was imprinted last time I got stopped for being drunk. It felt kinda good, better than my old girl friend touching me with her sandpaper fingers. Besides, how often do you get a cop to play with your balls, specially, if you luck out and get a woman?"

The NSA is considering adding ball print technology to their database, which could lead to something new and different during airport screenings. If the screenings are successful in Cincinnati, a new product, the Breast Tweeker, will be used on female drivers.

The screenings are set to begin on April 1, 2018.

Run this light in Guilford and you will be ball printed.


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