Why To Hire A Guilford Santa Or Maybe Not

Dirty peasant Steve Krebble, the first Guilford Santa, couldn't handle children and took his own  
way out rather than Guilford hanging.
A Guilford trained peasant Santa may be working the streets of your town this year. (click to enlarge)

Hire A Guilford Santa (If You Dare)



A company started last Christmas season, Things That Jingle, is already in trouble in the United States for the actions of its employees. All companies in Guilford must start with the words Things That according to a spokesperson for the King of Guilford. Things That Fly, Things That Bounce, Things That Blowup, Things That Stink....the list could go on as the King comes up with more ideas to fill the castle coffers. The results are often not what is expected when Guilford peasants migrate into the outside world beyond the Guilford borders.

As seen above, the Guilford Santa on hire to a local community is supposed to jingle when he walks, thanks to the set of bells attached to the pierced ring in his manhood. Most Guilford peasants, turned loose to work outside Guilford, seem to go nuts. The Santa in the above picture, Leroy "Donkeyboy" Stillpepper, got too carried away and terrified Christmas shoppers in downtown Cincinnati while exposing his bell shaker. He was later hanged from the Guilford traffic light because the King had to pay a fine or lose income from his other Santas.

"The guy was a good worker," the King said. "He must have had twenty-three kids by fifteen different peasant women. He was just nuts and I should have never hired him for Things That Jingle."

Mandy Spurlock Crippy, a spokesperson for the radical newspaper The King Sucks, speaking anonymously because she was not authorized to speak for the paper even though she was authorized but wanted to sound like this was big important news and she was afraid of the King, said that Stillpepper was not nuts. "He was so abused as a dirty peasant in Guilford that he had no control over his actions once he was involved in normal society during the Holiday Season."

The King laughed. "Old Mindy is nuts because she is now under a death warrant in Guilford for calling Christmas a holiday season instead of the Christmas Season. She will be hanged on sight if she ventures back into Guilford. Plus, she has a kid by Stillpepper and she has three names, which means her husband's name wasn't good enough for her. That's a hanging offense anywhere in Guilford."

The King said it would be hard finding a replacement for Stillpepper because he could play Noel and Jingle Bells at the same time just by bouncing up and down. "A showman like that will be hard to find."



Brought to you by Things That Jingle a Guilford Company
"If it can jingle, we'll make it jangle."









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