Why To Hire A Guilford Santa Or Maybe Not

Dirty peasant Steve Krebble, the first Guilford Santa, couldn't handle children and took his own  
way out rather than Guilford hanging.
A Guilford trained peasant Santa may be working the streets of your town this year. (click to enlarge)

Hire A Guilford Santa (If You Dare)

A company started last Christmas season, Things That Jingle, is already in trouble in the United States for the actions of its employees. All companies in Guilford must start with the words Things That according to a spokesperson for the King of Guilford. Things That Fly, Things That Bounce, Things That Blowup, Things That Stink....the list could go on as the King comes up with more ideas to fill the castle coffers. The results are often not what is expected when Guilford peasants migrate into the outside world beyond the Guilford borders.

As seen above, the Guilford Santa on hire to a local community is supposed to jingle when he walks, thanks to the set of bells attached to the pierced ring in his manhood. Most Guilford peasants, turned loose to work outside Guilford, seem to go nuts. The Santa in the above picture, Leroy "Donkeyboy" Stillpepper, got too carried away and terrified Christmas shoppers in downtown Cincinnati while exposing his bell shaker. He was later hanged from the Guilford traffic light because the King had to pay a fine or lose income from his other Santas.

 "The guy was a good worker," the King said. "He must have had twenty-three kids by fifteen different peasant women. He was just nuts and I should have never hired him for Things That Jingle."

 Mandy Spurlock Crippy, a spokesperson for the radical newspaper The King Sucks, speaking anonymously because she was not authorized to speak for the paper even though she was authorized but wanted to sound like this was big important news and she was afraid of the King, said that Stillpepper was not nuts. "He was so abused as a dirty peasant in Guilford that he had no control over his actions once he was involved in normal society during the Holiday Season."

 The King laughed. "Old Mindy is nuts because she is now under a death warrant in Guilford for calling Christmas a holiday season instead of the Christmas Season. She will be hanged on sight if she ventures back into Guilford. Plus, she has a kid by Stillpepper and she has three names, which means her husband's name wasn't good enough for her. That's a hanging offense anywhere in Guilford."

 The King said it would be hard finding a replacement for Stillpepper because he could play Noel and Jingle Bells at the same time just by bouncing up and down. "A showman like that will be hard to find."

Brought to you by Things That Jingle a Guilford Company
"If it can jingle, we'll make it jangle."







Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Drag Your Peasant Through The Creek Days

Image
It's that time of the year again in Guilford, Indiana, where the peasants, like Christmas lights, hang from the trees year round. Every Saturday in September will be the late summer Drag Your Peasant Through The Creek Day. All Guilford residents are eligible to participate. Peasants being dragged must weigh at least 90 pounds and have arms and legs when the contest begins (artificial legs and arms acceptable). Draggers may not drag their wives, husbands, or other immediate family members. No four-wheelers allowed: horses only. The contest will be judged on speed, skips and bounces across boulders, and how much the peasant screams. First place will receive one brand new trained peasant from the Guilford Castle. Second place through last place get free beer and one night (without torture) chained in the Guilford dungeons. The King of Guilford says: "This replaces the annual drop your peasant in the creek day because the twelve-million dollar, two-hundred foot high tower c...
Read more

King Takes Impossible Jeopardy Test

Image
(This article explains why Alex Trebek no longer has a mustache. He is trying to disguise himself in case he ever slips across the border into Guilford on his way back to Canada. There is a rumor that Alex Trebek has rented a bus to take every actor, comic and politician who says they will leave the country if Trump gets elected...out of the country to Canada or maybe Libya or maybe Saudi Arabia where they can enjoy their lives. They may find life in Mosul right up their alley.) Alex Trebek has been sentenced to death in Guilford under death penalty offense #42173/ Pissing Off the King With A Stupid Online Test. "If he ever comes to Guilford, he will be instantly hanged without trial or ceremony in front of St. Bluebeard Church." The King also announced free admission to all peasants bringing rocks to throw at Trebek. The King is so mad that any peasants who resemble Trebek will also be executed. Anyone in Guilford who isn't bald and has a mustache is in trouble....
Read more

How To Get A Politician To Listen To You (Relevant today)

Image
This blue boner will get you attention in DC. How To Get A Politician To Listen To You Price Cut from 14.95 to 8.95 The King of Guilford knows what it's like to be scorned as a dirty peasant; to be told you are one of the "little people" that Judge Ginsberg referred to in a speech. Unless, of course, she meant from the movie Darby O'Gill and the Little People, which the King knows was not in her mind at the time. She was probably waiting for the sound of the simple noise maker pictured above. The King wasn't always a King, and rose from the ranks of peasant after getting drunk and winning a fortune at cards and announcing he was King at three in the morning and challenging anyone in Guilford to dispute his claim. No one came outside so he has been King ever since.  That's why a King backed Guilford company Things That Make Noise  is now selling the Politician M agnet , guaranteed to draw every DC politician to instant attention and listen to wha...
Read more