King of Guilford News

This Guilford Pig may resemble the dead Chinese pigs. BEIJING:   Pig carcasses, nearly 14,000 of them, have been floating down rivers that feed into Shanghai for nearly two weeks. The city's residents have been told not to worry, and not much else. No one, including the government, seems to know where they are coming from and why. Several extreme Liberals in the United States claim that it has to do with assault weapon control, putting the blame on the legal and law abiding citizen gun owners in America for causing all world problems. "There is no doubt," one senator, who wasn't authorized to speak, said. "The import of cheap assault weapons from China has led to all these helpless pigs being used for target practice. We need legislation to stop this now." The senator said this despite claims by the Chinese government that the pigs had not been shot. "They lie a lot," the senator said. Muslim extremists claim they did i...

Fast Facts From Guilford Culture Startup companies have been a way of life for both peasants and royalty in Guilford, and most of the companies begin with Things That. Things Tha t Fly, Things That Suck, and Things That Stick In The Ground have all become Guilford trademarks, employing hundreds of peasants until they piss the King off and get executed or get killed in accidents. One company Stuff That Stinks, a corporate division of Things That Stink, developed the Guilford Pigfarmus sinus cure . One night while drunk and having sinus problems, the King passed a a toxic pig farm that cleared his sinus problems. Guilford scientists developed a manual delivery system for the Pigfarmus Sinus Cure that blew seven windows out of the FBI Office in the Federal Building in Cincinnati, Ohio during tests. "They didn't follow the directions," the King said. The prototype diagram of the Guilford Pigfarmus Sinus Cure says it all, and the factory exploded under mysterious c...

Things You May See In Guilford  Peasant Ernie Boyle posed in the Guilford Dungeon as he displays his new set of free dentures.  Made by Things That Go In Your Mouth, Guilford dentures are cheap. Most peasants only need two tooth dentures.   "These things is great for chewing," Ernie Boyle said, from his dungeon cell where he has been imprisoned for three months for calling the King a bonehead. "That King is a good man." The King smiled when asked about Ernie. "It's a good thing for him he only needed the two tooth denture. If he had all of his teeth, I would have hanged him to avoid a deficit. So in his case, tooth decay saved his life."        Some of the King's art hangs along the 3000 castle stairs. The King claims he has cut expenses since the old castle had 10,000 stairs. The King was almost killed in action the day he ventured outside Guilford and stumbled into a feminist protest while trying t...

Peasants gather at first wreck since Guilford raised the speed limit. The King claims this a good thing. It creates employment, sells more gas, and helps to curb the peasant population.   King Raises Speed Limit To 100   The King of Guilford has raised the speed limit in Guilford once again. Now, it's 100 mph on all roads, including dirt roads and tar paths.   "Texas is trying to make news by raising their speed limit to eighty-five," the King said. "But eighty-five is the speed limit for peasant school zones in Guilford. I believe that speed is a good thing for a school zone, and it should be triple digits on the highway."   Mindy Falsworth Clagendorn, publisher of the radical magazine The King Sucks, claims that the King is trying to discourage children from attending school so they can toil in the fields, and is also trying to get rid of SUVs in Guilford.   "That psychopath is violating every human right known to man," Mindy...

A Shitload Of Dennis Latham Books (Digital and Print) This is Arnie, the dungeon boss in Guilford, showing some of the ways he makes dirty peasants want to get out and get a job. (Arnie used to be a dirty peasant until the King hired him because he's nuts. He is now a member of the royal family.) More Job Ready Guilford Peasants Things That Work, a Guilford company, has released the names of some more job ready dirty peasants. Their qualifications are listed below. Jerry Trump Jerry won't say, but he could be Donald's long lost brother. His hair stylist wife was hanged and he has had no source of income since. Jerry is a good sidekick. He will do what you say, and you can kick him around to your heart's content. He was due to be hanged for looking like a young Alex Trebek, but the King canceled that contract because he thought Jerry was too good looking to be Trebek and he had survived a fall from the Guilford tower crane during Drop Your Peasan...

Guilford In Pictures The King poses for the first issue of Guilford Life Magazine. Guilford Peasants need instruction for everything. Since 2003, 61 peasants have had hands removed by mishandled chainsaws. Peasants complain the saws were being held by the Guilford Militia at the time. The King denies the charges. The Prince poses between his Guilford Militia bodyguard and a typical dirty peasant. First 2004 Guilford Christmas Stamp (Model posed after chainsaw accident) Typical "can and board" Guilford air conditioner system. Dennis Latham Novels More Dennis Latham Books Write to the King, you peasant...   

King's Free Bathtubs To Peasants Program Under a new Guilford program, the King will give two bear claw bathtubs and dragging ropes to peasant men with erectile dysfunction.    "When their time is right for sex, I want peasants to be able to drag their tubs to any beach or mountain top and stare at the horizon."    The King admits that he doesn't have a clue what separate bathtubs on mountain tops or beaches mean to the sex life of dysfunctional peasants.   "They advertise it hard out in the world for their boner pills so bathtubs must mean something in the peasants world of sex. I prefer the whips and chains play room."   Under Guilford Law: Death penalty offense #73669 Inability To Work Due To Sex Related Back Injury ....a Peasant will be executed for becoming unemployable after dragging bathtubs around.  "We do need more peasants," the King said. "But I would use the tubs for baths and that would be a better sex enhancement for a dirty ...