King of Guilford News

Sandy makes this Stromboli from scratch using peasant labor. Sandy giving instructions for Sandy's Stromboli. The man at the far end works for the government in biological weapons. They are interested in her recipes for covert operations. Several new students were put in the hospital until they build a tolerance to the recipe. Sandy got the idea from her sandwich from Stromboli Volcano. Six of her husbands have disappeared while on trips to Stromboli. Guilford Television Network Picks Up New Show A member of the Guilford Royal Family who goes only by the name Sandy , has been picked to have her own Guilford Cable Show named Sandy's Stromboli. Mindy Chadsworth Gippy, current editor of The King Sucks magazine knows Sandy well.  "She's had more husbands die than the Borgia women. The ability to poison food runs strong in the Guilford bloodline. And out of the group, she had trouble boiling water. How she got a cooking show is beyond me....

FAA Rates Guilford Airlines Most Dangerous New proof recently discovered from a fatal TWA crash over rural Illinois years ago has led the FAA to change the cause of a crash from mechanical failure to a mid-air collision with a Guilford Airlines commercial jet. "Anyone flying on Guilford Airlines is nuts," a spokeman said. "They train their pilots on the video games in the Walmart lobby." King Dennis of Guilford said the FAA is nuts. "My pilots are the finest. They aren't much on taking off and landing, but the Walmart Skyraider video game is one of the best trainers in existence. I can train a commercial pilot for twenty bucks." The FAA said the oncoming Guilford pilot in the picture has been identified as Leonard Schitz, a peasant who had both arms chopped off by the King three years ago while working in the castle garden. "It's my policy to hire the disabled," the King said. "Leonard could drop a bomb ...

The King of of Guilford has long been known for his sheer genius approach to poetry. "I love poetry. I learned my craft on a thousand gas stations walls when I was too poor to own paper to go with my crayon pencil." Mindy Chadsworth Gippy, the editor of The King Sucks  newsletter had this to say:  "You can't claim to learn writing by sneaking in the women's bathroom and putting For A Good Time Call and then adding your phone number on the stall wall." "She's angry because I didn't call her back when she requested an interview," the King said. "Disregard anything she says. When I catch her she'll decorate the Guilford traffic light." Them Thar Roses (a poem) Them Thar Roses are all for me Them Thar Roses i got them free Them Thar Roses are finer than hell Them Thar Roses sure do smell Them Thar Roses from mom and dad Them Thar Roses sure make me glad Them Thar Roses yo...

Guilford Missile Launch The United States recently announced its nuclear arsenal is down to a little over 5000 weapons, a 75% cut since 1989. Since one modern warhead (nothing like the tiny things they used in WW2 on Japan) is pretty much enough to destroy most life on earth, this isn't all that big of a deal and makes a person kind of shake their head when they think about why anyone would need that many weapons if one of them could destroy the entire earth. But in Guilford, King Dennis announced today that he is cutting back his nuclear arsenal by 80 warheads, an 80% cut since the Bonehead War a few years ago. This means Guilford will only have 20 remaining nuclear warheads. This seems like quite a step in the right direction until the FDGP (Free Dirty Guilford Peasants) Italian born weapons specialist, Horst Marino, analyzed the Guilford weapons. "A Guilford nuclear warhead isn't quite up to levels we consider a risk to the planet," Horst sai...

The Pigfarmus Sinus Cure Startup companies have been a way of life for both peasants and royalty in Guilford, and most of the companies begin with Things That. Things That Fly, Things That Suck, and Things That Stick In The Ground have all become Guilford trademarks, employing hundreds of peasants until they piss the King off and get executed or get killed in accidents. One company Stuff That Stinks , a corporate division of Things That Stink, developed the Guilford Pigfarmus sinus cure. One night while drunk and having sinus problems, the King passed a  toxic pig farm that cleared his sinus problems. Guilford scientists developed a manual delivery system for the Pigfarmus Sinus Cure that blew seven windows out of the FBI Office in the Federal Building in Cincinnati, Ohio during tests. "They didn't follow the directions," the King said. The prototype diagram of the Guilford Pigfarmus Sinus Cure says it all, and the factory exploded under m...

(This article explains why Alex Trebek no longer has a mustache. He is trying to disguise himself in case he ever slips across the border into Guilford on his way back to Canada. There is a rumor that Alex Trebek has rented a bus to take every actor, comic and politician who says they will leave the country if Trump gets elected...out of the country to Canada or maybe Libya or maybe Saudi Arabia where they can enjoy their lives. They may find life in Mosul right up their alley.) Alex Trebek has been sentenced to death in Guilford under death penalty offense #42173/ Pissing Off the King With A Stupid Online Test. "If he ever comes to Guilford, he will be instantly hanged without trial or ceremony in front of St. Bluebeard Church." The King also announced free admission to all peasants bringing rocks to throw at Trebek. The King is so mad that any peasants who resemble Trebek will also be executed. Anyone in Guilford who isn't bald and has a mustache is in trouble....

        Tammy Melon starring in the way off-Broadway production “Old Mother Hubbard” displays the logistical                                        problems of even sitting up to get to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone. Ask The King of Guilford Where Do Fairy Tales Come From?     Most fairy tales or rhymes were and are reflections of current society during the time they were written. Humpty Dumpty was about a King.  Ring Around The Rosy was about the Black Death. Jack and Jill also made a political statement. That’s where most of them originate.     So being a smart guy King, I decided to write a very short fairy tale that could also double as a high school primer, based on our current cultural standards and reading level for the majority of students. The first fairy tale of my book is below. The King's...