King of Guilford News

Sandy makes this Stromboli from scratch using peasant labor. Sandy giving instructions for Sandy's Stromboli. The man at the far end works for the government in biological weapons. They are interested in her recipes for covert operations. Several new students were put in the hospital until they build a tolerance to the recipe. Sandy got the idea from her sandwich from Stromboli Volcano. Six of her husbands have disappeared while on trips to Stromboli. Guilford Television Network Picks Up New Show A member of the Guilford Royal Family who goes only by the name Sandy , has been picked to have her own Guilford Cable Show named Sandy's Stromboli. Mindy Chadsworth Gippy, current editor of The King Sucks magazine knows Sandy well.  "She's had more husbands die than the Borgia women. The ability to poison food runs strong in the Guilford bloodline. And out of the group, she had trouble boiling water. How she got a cooking show is beyond me."

FAA Rates Guilford Airlines Most Dangerous New proof recently discovered from a fatal TWA crash over rural Illinois years ago has led the FAA to change the cause of a crash from mechanical failure to a mid-air collision with a Guilford Airlines commercial jet. "Anyone flying on Guilford Airlines is nuts," a spokeman said. "They train their pilots on the video games in the Walmart lobby." King Dennis of Guilford said the FAA is nuts. "My pilots are the finest. They aren't much on taking off and landing, but the Walmart Skyraider video game is one of the best trainers in existence. I can train a commercial pilot for twenty bucks." The FAA said the oncoming Guilford pilot in the picture has been identified as Leonard Schitz, a peasant who had both arms chopped off by the King three years ago while working in the castle garden. "It's my policy to hire the disabled," the King said. "Leonard could drop a bomb

The King of of Guilford has long been known for his sheer genius approach to poetry. "I love poetry. I learned my craft on a thousand gas stations walls when I was too poor to own paper to go with my crayon pencil." Mindy Chadsworth Gippy, the editor of The King Sucks  newsletter had this to say:  "You can't claim to learn writing by sneaking in the women's bathroom and putting For A Good Time Call and then adding your phone number on the stall wall." "She's angry because I didn't call her back when she requested an interview," the King said. "Disregard anything she says. When I catch her she'll decorate the Guilford traffic light." Them Thar Roses (a poem) Them Thar Roses are all for me Them Thar Roses i got them free Them Thar Roses are finer than hell Them Thar Roses sure do smell Them Thar Roses from mom and dad Them Thar Roses sure make me glad Them Thar Roses yo