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Showing posts from 2011

A Flash (Flasher?) From The Past

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Guilford In Pictures The King poses for the first issue of Guilford Life Magazine. Guilford Peasants need instruction for everything. Since 2003, 61 peasants have had hands removed by mishandled chainsaws. Peasants complain the saws were being held by the Guilford Militia at the time. The King denies the charges. The Prince poses between his Guilford Militia bodyguard and a typical dirty peasant. First 2004 Guilford Christmas Stamp (Model posed after chainsaw accident) Typical "can and board" Guilford air conditioner system. Dennis Latham Novels More Dennis Latham Books Write to the King, you peasant...   

Keeping It Clean

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King's Free Bathtubs To Peasants Program Under a new Guilford program, the King will give two bear claw bathtubs and dragging ropes to peasant men with erectile dysfunction.    "When their time is right for sex, I want peasants to be able to drag their tubs to any beach or mountain top and stare at the horizon."    The King admits that he doesn't have a clue what separate bathtubs on mountain tops or beaches mean to the sex life of dysfunctional peasants.   "They advertise it hard out in the world for their boner pills so bathtubs must mean something in the peasants world of sex. I prefer the whips and chains play room."   Under Guilford Law: Death penalty offense #73669 Inability To Work Due To Sex Related Back Injury ....a Peasant will be executed for becoming unemployable after dragging bathtubs around.  "We do need more peasants," the King said. "But I would use the tubs for baths and that would be a better sex enhancement for a dirty

King Appoints Dental Surgeon

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Alex Darko, a Guilford citizen fresh from Monk's dental school in New Jersey, has been appointed the new Guilford Dental Surgeon. His office will be located on the castle grounds next to the combo swimming and interrogation pool. "There wasn't enough room in the dungeon," the King said. A peasant activist group FDP (Free Dirty Peasants) has complained because they say Alex Darko is torturing peasants and they are terrified the moment they see him. A spokesman said: "He doesn't know how to fill cavities and he just pulls or pounds everything out without pain killers." "He's a dentist," the King said. "Everyone, including my kingly self,  is afraid of a dentist. I wouldn't let the boy near me. I also don't agree with wearing every tooth you pry out or pull around your neck, but the peasants always pay their bills on time in cash and it's good for business." Alex Darko is the first and only Guilford Dentist.

Witchcraft Trials and the DUI Laws

Witchcraft Trials and the DUI Laws The King's solution to traffic volume in Guilford is a law (the no-fault, no insurance, drive drunk plan) that requires all peasants to drive under the influence: more wrecks=less junky SUVs on the road. Individual states outside Guilford do not feel that way. They promote their new cash cow by warning consumers not to drink and drive . Yet, many states continue to promote a higher percent of alcohol in drinks. They help create addiction and then ruin the lives of those who get addicted. One local court official stated that, "DUI is the popular crime of the day. You can get out of jail faster for shooting someone." The King, using all the intelligence he could muster after a night of drunken poker and a philosophical discussion with the Pope, came up with this comparison. Witchcraft Trials Laws created by the Catholic Church to obtain land and possessions of people. DUI Law Laws created

The April Guilford Special: Castle For Sale

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From the Public Relations Office Of The King Of Guilford The April Move Out Of The City And Be A King Special (not a real King, like the King of Guilford, but enough of a King so you won't be hanged) For Sale: Old Castle located in Guilford, Indiana 43 rooms including 8 bathrooms, 3 kitchens, 12 bedrooms (some with whips and chains and a trapeze) , 43 fireplaces, a nice dungeon and torture chamber, TV room, library, ballroom, laundry, stables, military barracks, hanging peasant garden, bowling alley, art gallery, and a few surprise rooms and secret panels. Includes 12 peasants and 3 food tasters. Price: 2,700,000 plus taxes ( King Tax, Breathe the Air Tax, Bingo Tax, Guilford Hanging Tax, Passport Tax, Phone Line Tax, Thumb Tax, Taxi Tax, Tax Tax) Total cost with Taxes 4,900,000 (Note) There are no Property Taxes in Guilford This castle has been vacant for 2 years after The King moved to the new castle with a better dungeon. Property may be haunted by several dirty

Peasants Protest: King Removed And Replaced By Twin Brother

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With the new tower crane for dropping peasants into the creek behind them, thousands of Guilford peasants protested today in the King's Creek Park to have him removed from being the King. "It wasn't much of a protest," an unauthorized anonymous spokesman for the King said. "I'm not saying this really happened because I'm not supposed to say this happened, but it happened. The peasants all got drunk, took off their clothes, and groveled in the dirt. They want the King replaced, but they are too drunk to care right now." The alcoholism rate in Guilford is somewhere around 93%, according to Missy Kikendale Strubble, a lawyer associated with FDGP (Free Dirty Guilford Peasants) . "When you are born in Guilford, you are pre-disposed to being a drunken sot," Missy said, after her attempts to get the peasants to storm the Guilford Castle failed. The King disagrees. "I disagree," the King said. "What does she know, she has three name

The Bookshelf: Guilford Castle Tour Continued

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On the top shelf, reached only by tall ladder, I have a mixture of odds and ends. I've had the cabasa for years, since I sang in bands. It makes an unusual sound, kind of like small gravel on a washboard. You can shake it or twist it or hit dirty peasants in the head with it when performing in rough bars. (click pictures to enlarge) Behind the cabasa is my midget rhino, captured in the Guilford woods and stuffed by a Guilford company Things You Stuff . It punctured my leg with its tiny horn before I kicked it like a football down into the creek where it landed on a boulder and broke its back. In front of the rhino is my pyramid. Sitting under a pyramid is supposed to make you healthy. I didn't know they meant you were supposed to sit inside a pyramid. This one finally fell off a lamp on my head point first. I was wearing the black battle helmet next to it at the time so my head was spared another scar and the walnut brain inside my skull didn't move. On the top shelf on