King of Guilford News

Peasants gather at first wreck since Guilford raised the speed limit. The King claims this a good thing. It creates employment, sells more gas, and helps to curb the peasant population.   King Raises Speed Limit To 100   The King of Guilford has raised the speed limit in Guilford once again. Now, it's 100 mph on all roads, including dirt roads and tar paths.   "Texas is trying to make news by raising their speed limit to eighty-five," the King said. "But eighty-five is the speed limit for peasant school zones in Guilford. I believe that speed is a good thing for a school zone, and it should be triple digits on the highway."   Mindy Falsworth Clagendorn, publisher of the radical magazine The King Sucks, claims that the King is trying to discourage children from attending school so they can toil in the fields, and is also trying to get rid of SUVs in Guilford.   "That psychopath is violating every human right known to man," Mindy...

A Shitload Of Dennis Latham Books (Digital and Print) This is Arnie, the dungeon boss in Guilford, showing some of the ways he makes dirty peasants want to get out and get a job. (Arnie used to be a dirty peasant until the King hired him because he's nuts. He is now a member of the royal family.) More Job Ready Guilford Peasants Things That Work, a Guilford company, has released the names of some more job ready dirty peasants. Their qualifications are listed below. Jerry Trump Jerry won't say, but he could be Donald's long lost brother. His hair stylist wife was hanged and he has had no source of income since. Jerry is a good sidekick. He will do what you say, and you can kick him around to your heart's content. He was due to be hanged for looking like a young Alex Trebek, but the King canceled that contract because he thought Jerry was too good looking to be Trebek and he had survived a fall from the Guilford tower crane during Drop Your Peasan...

Guilford In Pictures The King poses for the first issue of Guilford Life Magazine. Guilford Peasants need instruction for everything. Since 2003, 61 peasants have had hands removed by mishandled chainsaws. Peasants complain the saws were being held by the Guilford Militia at the time. The King denies the charges. The Prince poses between his Guilford Militia bodyguard and a typical dirty peasant. First 2004 Guilford Christmas Stamp (Model posed after chainsaw accident) Typical "can and board" Guilford air conditioner system. Dennis Latham Novels More Dennis Latham Books Write to the King, you peasant...   

King's Free Bathtubs To Peasants Program Under a new Guilford program, the King will give two bear claw bathtubs and dragging ropes to peasant men with erectile dysfunction.    "When their time is right for sex, I want peasants to be able to drag their tubs to any beach or mountain top and stare at the horizon."    The King admits that he doesn't have a clue what separate bathtubs on mountain tops or beaches mean to the sex life of dysfunctional peasants.   "They advertise it hard out in the world for their boner pills so bathtubs must mean something in the peasants world of sex. I prefer the whips and chains play room."   Under Guilford Law: Death penalty offense #73669 Inability To Work Due To Sex Related Back Injury ....a Peasant will be executed for becoming unemployable after dragging bathtubs around.  "We do need more peasants," the King said. "But I would use the tubs for baths and that would be a better sex enhancement for a dirty ...

Alex Darko, a Guilford citizen fresh from Monk's dental school in New Jersey, has been appointed the new Guilford Dental Surgeon. His office will be located on the castle grounds next to the combo swimming and interrogation pool. "There wasn't enough room in the dungeon," the King said. A peasant activist group FDP (Free Dirty Peasants) has complained because they say Alex Darko is torturing peasants and they are terrified the moment they see him. A spokesman said: "He doesn't know how to fill cavities and he just pulls or pounds everything out without pain killers." "He's a dentist," the King said. "Everyone, including my kingly self,  is afraid of a dentist. I wouldn't let the boy near me. I also don't agree with wearing every tooth you pry out or pull around your neck, but the peasants always pay their bills on time in cash and it's good for business." Alex Darko is the first and only Guilford Dentist.

Witchcraft Trials and the DUI Laws The King's solution to traffic volume in Guilford is a law (the no-fault, no insurance, drive drunk plan) that requires all peasants to drive under the influence: more wrecks=less junky SUVs on the road. Individual states outside Guilford do not feel that way. They promote their new cash cow by warning consumers not to drink and drive . Yet, many states continue to promote a higher percent of alcohol in drinks. They help create addiction and then ruin the lives of those who get addicted. One local court official stated that, "DUI is the popular crime of the day. You can get out of jail faster for shooting someone." The King, using all the intelligence he could muster after a night of drunken poker and a philosophical discussion with the Pope, came up with this comparison. Witchcraft Trials Laws created by the Catholic Church to obtain land and possessions of people. DUI Law Laws created...

From the Public Relations Office Of The King Of Guilford The April Move Out Of The City And Be A King Special (not a real King, like the King of Guilford, but enough of a King so you won't be hanged) For Sale: Old Castle located in Guilford, Indiana 43 rooms including 8 bathrooms, 3 kitchens, 12 bedrooms (some with whips and chains and a trapeze) , 43 fireplaces, a nice dungeon and torture chamber, TV room, library, ballroom, laundry, stables, military barracks, hanging peasant garden, bowling alley, art gallery, and a few surprise rooms and secret panels. Includes 12 peasants and 3 food tasters. Price: 2,700,000 plus taxes ( King Tax, Breathe the Air Tax, Bingo Tax, Guilford Hanging Tax, Passport Tax, Phone Line Tax, Thumb Tax, Taxi Tax, Tax Tax) Total cost with Taxes 4,900,000 (Note) There are no Property Taxes in Guilford This castle has been vacant for 2 years after The King moved to the new castle with a better dungeon. Property may be haunted by several dirty...