More Job Ready Peasants



A Shitload Of Dennis Latham Books (Digital and Print)
This is Arnie, the dungeon boss in Guilford, showing some of the ways he makes dirty peasants want to get out and get a job.
(Arnie used to be a dirty peasant until the King hired him because he's nuts. He is now a member of the royal family.)


More Job Ready Guilford Peasants

Things That Work, a Guilford company, has released the names of some more job ready dirty peasants. Their qualifications are listed below.


Jerry Trump

Jerry won't say, but he could be Donald's long lost brother. His hair stylist wife was hanged and he has had no source of income since. Jerry is a good sidekick. He will do what you say, and you can kick him around to your heart's content. He was due to be hanged for looking like a young Alex Trebek, but the King canceled that contract because he thought Jerry was too good looking to be Trebek and he had survived a fall from the Guilford tower crane during Drop Your Peasant In The Creek Week. 

Lady employers: Jerry also is the best looking peasant in the group this week so get this stud while you can.




Borst Jenkins

Hershey Kiss Jenkins doesn't need to be unwrapped. He's ready to fill any type need requiring a psychotic peasant with obvious brain damage and no sense of good taste. (But at least he combs his hair or doesn't wear a hat backwards.) He believes if he keeps his hair this way, it will harden into a rhino horn and he can get a job as a human battering ram. He lost his job as a human ring toss last year when one of the King's men substituted the plastic rings with steel horseshoes and Borst was unconscious for six months after someone threw three ringers.


He will be perfect for simple tasks that do not require sanity.


Gary Creekmore
Until last year, Gary had been living the dream playing guitar in a Guilford heavy metal band, Splattered Brains and Pus, but then one of the band members wrote a song about the King of Guilford, calling him an impossibly ignorant monarch. It was called The King Is A Dumbass. Everyone else in the band was hanged from the Guilford traffic light. Gary just had most of his hair yanked out and has to squint and do an old Charles Bronson imitation for the rest of his life as punishment.

If you hire him for any peasant work, don't let him near a guitar when his blood sugar is low because he thinks he's Jimmy Page and plays Stairway To Heaven.






Horst Jenkins

Along with his half-brother Borst, Horst completes the other half of your very own Guilford select human ring toss or horseshoe pit. Imagine the fun you can have hiring the brothers for a party. Bury them up to their necks in dirt. The human ring toss has been a Guilford mainstay for years, and every rich person in Guilford has a stable of peasants. It's an art form that new generations of peasants have almost lost, making the Jenkins brothers quite a find.

Use caution. He will last much longer if you use him for ring toss instead of horseshoes.




Finding Out (Dennis Marino and John Faris song)


Comments

Did I Stutter said…
*Phew*

Escaped the list again!
June 14, 2012 at 1:11 PM
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