King of Guilford News

This experimental Guilford drone will be used to track and attack dirty peasants. King of Guilford Spies On Peasants The peasants in Guilford have been too quiet in the past few months, which could mean they are plotting something against the King again, according to Mindy Carpsworth Dickinstein, a reporter for the radical magazine The King Sucks. After their failure in the Bonehead War, started a few years ago when a peasant called the King a bonehead, the peasants have been secretly meeting to discuss getting rid of the less than beloved monarch. The word is out that since the King had been wounded by a flying hub cap during the war, he may not have the taste for a new conflict. "He needs to go," Dickenstein said. "His repressive form of leadership is out of step with the peasant movement of total government dependency without any source of income or political leadership." "I'm not a politician, I'm a King," the King said. ...

Watch out for this one. Keep your pants up, dirty peasants.

A typical job seminar in Guilford isn't very exciting since the pay is low and there are so many laws governing workers. (These peasants were hanged for falling asleep while the King was explaining yard work at the Guilford Castle.) Death Penalty #536471 Falling Asleep While The King Speaks To Dumbass Peasants Things That Work Lists Available Peasants Every company in Guilford is owned in part by the King. The company names must start with Things That. So Guilford has Things That Fly, Things That Smell, Things That Blow Up, etc. The newest kingdom backed effort is Things That Work. Prospective employers can hire cream of the crop peasants for cheap labor or any other need. The agency and the King take up to 40% of the peasant's minimum wage salary, but since the alternative is torture or being hanged, peasants don't complain much. Here are the available peasants for hire in the coming week. Harvey Lee Brusinski Like most peasants, Harvey sometim...

This picture could cause World War 3. Russia Ready To Attack Guilford King Dennis of Guilford has finally found a way to get some foreign power to attack him. The United States won't do it because they know the King just wants money to rebuild after the U.S. bombs Guilford. "No one would attack us on the ground," the King said. "Oppressed hillbillies are more deadly than any military forces on earth, and in Guilford, we keep our hillbillies fired up. It's a full time job trying to keep them from killing me." The King sent the above photo, without the captions, to Putin and said the one on the right, Texas Jack Dick Broadwell, was related to Putin so Putin was actually a hillbilly and not even Russian. "Your great-grandpa was a hillbilly," the King said in a letter to Putin. "He got shot in Guilford long ago. So you don't have the balls to invade us...and you owe me six thousand from our last card game." Appare...

GUILFORD ENFORCES NEW DUI LAW Based on an Ohio law, and in a stunning reversal of the former Guilford law that required everyone to drive drunk, King Dennis of Guilford has ordered all peasants convicted of having even one drink to be marked with a permanent scarlet DP across their foreheads. The DP stands for Drunk Peasant. Every member of the guilty peasant's family, going back three generations, will also be required to sport the DP on their foreheads. This should not be confused with other DP forehead markings common in Guilford... Dead Peasant (white tattoo)...Dumb Prick (green tattoo). "My law requiring everyone to drive drunk served its purpose," the King said. "We got rid of thousands of crappy SUVs in Guilford, and now it's time to force some more money out of peasants by reversing the law. We'll make a fortune because Guilford's Brain Trauma Beer has thirty percent alcohol and every peasant in Guilford above age four is a drunk....

Sandy makes this Stromboli from scratch using peasant labor. Sandy giving instructions for Sandy's Stromboli. The man at the far end works for the government in biological weapons. They are interested in her recipes for covert operations. Several new students were put in the hospital until they build a tolerance to the recipe. Sandy got the idea from her sandwich from Stromboli Volcano. Six of her husbands have disappeared while on trips to Stromboli. Guilford Television Network Picks Up New Show A member of the Guilford Royal Family who goes only by the name Sandy , has been picked to have her own Guilford Cable Show named Sandy's Stromboli. Mindy Chadsworth Gippy, current editor of The King Sucks magazine knows Sandy well.  "She's had more husbands die than the Borgia women. The ability to poison food runs strong in the Guilford bloodline. And out of the group, she had trouble boiling water. How she got a cooking show is beyond me....

FAA Rates Guilford Airlines Most Dangerous New proof recently discovered from a fatal TWA crash over rural Illinois years ago has led the FAA to change the cause of a crash from mechanical failure to a mid-air collision with a Guilford Airlines commercial jet. "Anyone flying on Guilford Airlines is nuts," a spokeman said. "They train their pilots on the video games in the Walmart lobby." King Dennis of Guilford said the FAA is nuts. "My pilots are the finest. They aren't much on taking off and landing, but the Walmart Skyraider video game is one of the best trainers in existence. I can train a commercial pilot for twenty bucks." The FAA said the oncoming Guilford pilot in the picture has been identified as Leonard Schitz, a peasant who had both arms chopped off by the King three years ago while working in the castle garden. "It's my policy to hire the disabled," the King said. "Leonard could drop a bomb ...