Your Penis: You Can Break It (You Can Also Make It Bigger The Guilford Way)

One of Guilford's best selling products for those with that sort of perverse way of viewing life.

Here's how to avoid penile fracture: don't use it like a pry bar. Don't hang weights on it to make it longer. Part of it is inside your body, held straight by fiber tissue. If the fiber is ripped through surgery or other means, the penis may gain an inch, but then it won't be well-grounded and will wobble around. No one wants a wobbling penis because it won't get super erect, and when you go in the bathroom you'll probably hit walls, floors, and other people.

A common way that penile fracture happens is when a man thrusts too hard and fast during sex, and slams into his partner's pubic bone. Also, a woman who moves in spastic jerks while on top of you during sex can break your penis. There is no "penis bone," but you can snap it like a dry twig, and it's not a minor injury. When it happens, there's "a loud pop or snap." Then the penis turns black and blue. You will feel terrible pain. The only fix is through surgery, and you will be the entire topic of any conversation for weeks at your hospital. What most men want is a bigger show-it-off-in-the-locker-room-penis, and a Guilford Company has the answer.

(Update)

A regional consumer advocate group has filed suit in the U.S. Federal Court against the King of Guilford and his startup mailorder company, Things That Swell, for false advertising and fraud. The company sells two products named Big Bona and Ball Bouncer, both guaranteed to work as a penis and gonad enlarger. Each product sells for 69.50, and 17 consumers have claimed they were ripped off and suffered permanent sexual dysfunction after using the products.

"I got tired of getting six hundred emails a day on how to make my crank bigger," the King said. "Then I did some research in the Guilford dungeons and realized I had two products that worked instantly to enlarge male sex organs."

U.S. Postal Inspectors say there is no fraud involved because the products actually work, if consumers are insane enough to use them. Mandy Cox Feeler, attorney for the consumer group, said they will not give up the fight. "The King is trying to grab all the money he can from gullible consumers to finance his criminal kingdom."

The King said, "We have satisfied customers. Some could be psychotic and possibly addicted to severe pain, but at least they're happy."

BIG BONA (Guaranteed to make penis swell)

BALL BOUNCER (Guaranteed larger gonads) Warning: works best when sitting on table, cinderblock, sidewalk, or closed toilet seat.

"Thanks to Big Bona, I'm now a chick magnet." Lenny Goober/dirty peasant

"The Ball Bouncer is wonderful on the job and in the bedroom."

The Moose Brothers/Guilford Carpenter's Union