Drag Your Peasant Through The Creek Days

It's that time of the year again in Guilford, Indiana, where the peasants, like Christmas lights, hang from the trees year round. Every Saturday in September will be the late summer Drag Your Peasant Through The Creek Day.

All Guilford residents are eligible to participate. Peasants being dragged must weigh at least 90 pounds and have arms and legs when the contest begins (artificial legs and arms acceptable). Draggers may not drag their wives, husbands, or other immediate family members. No four-wheelers allowed: horses only.

The contest will be judged on speed, skips and bounces across boulders, and how much the peasant screams. First place will receive one brand new trained peasant from the Guilford Castle. Second place through last place get free beer and one night (without torture) chained in the Guilford dungeons.

The King of Guilford says: "This replaces the annual drop your peasant in the creek day because the twelve-million dollar, two-hundred foot high tower crane broke down. Peasants just don't splatter enough when you drop them from a mere forty foot high bridge."

There will be plenty of gaming tables based on a festival format, all designed to take any money you have once you are drunk on cheap draft beer. There will be classes on the proper way discipline a peasant, the proper way to skewer a peasant, the proper way to address the King, and the proper way to loop a rope around peasant necks.

Joe Gurch, a peasant convicted last year of calling the King "a complete idiot with the brain function of cooked grits" will be hanged from the Guilford traffic light. Bring every drunk you know because the Kingdom is running out of dirty peasants. The Guilford Militia will provide security. Passports are required.