Peasant Exercise Program Draws Fire

If one can believe the slanted public relations, the King of Guilford is always open, in his own way, to new ideas on how to make life more productive for his dirty peasants. Some insane U.S. health researcher states that people can do an intense workout for 45 minutes on one day a week and receive the same benefit as if they worked out every day. The King used that idea and the same criteria that led him to Dickie the Stick and Ronnie the Rock to develop a new exercise program using something called Robbie the Rope.

"The concept isn't new," the King said. "But now you don't have to use expensive scaffolds with steps to exercise. You can use Robbie the Rope with any tree, shower stall head, door frame, or traffic light." Stretching exercises that normally take hours in the gym can be done in a matter of minutes. "The neck holds the key to pain free living. It allows the mind to concentrate on other things like proper breathing. Just don't over do it."

Robbie the Rope, developed by a Guilford Company Things That Stretch, is made of finely woven monk weed, found only in Guilford, and comes in standard 3/4 inch thickness with pre-woven exercise noose for 29.95. Designer colors are also available.

Mindy Cox-Feeler, a human rights attorney with FDGP (Free Dirty Guilford Peasants), had this to say: "Since he hanged his executioners, the King is just trying to charge his peasants for hanging themselves. This is not an exercise, it's suicide. He should be hanged."

The King laughed. "Never listen to a woman with three names. They want to be men. I would gladly give Mindy a Robbie the Rope free of charge, but she refuses to come into Guilford."

(The picture above shows a post Civil War group exercise class using a cheap Ronnie the Rope imitation. It never really caught on because it required expensive scaffolds. The modern Ronnie the Rope requires nothing but a hopeless existence and a neck.)