King of Guilford News

With the new tower crane for dropping peasants into the creek behind them, thousands of Guilford peasants protested today in the King's Creek Park to have him removed from being the King. "It wasn't much of a protest," an unauthorized anonymous spokesman for the King said. "I'm not saying this really happened because I'm not supposed to say this happened, but it happened. The peasants all got drunk, took off their clothes, and groveled in the dirt. They want the King replaced, but they are too drunk to care right now." The alcoholism rate in Guilford is somewhere around 93%, according to Missy Kikendale Strubble, a lawyer associated with FDGP (Free Dirty Guilford Peasants) . "When you are born in Guilford, you are pre-disposed to being a drunken sot," Missy said, after her attempts to get the peasants to storm the Guilford Castle failed. The King disagrees. "I disagree," the King said. "What does she know, she has three name...

On the top shelf, reached only by tall ladder, I have a mixture of odds and ends. I've had the cabasa for years, since I sang in bands. It makes an unusual sound, kind of like small gravel on a washboard. You can shake it or twist it or hit dirty peasants in the head with it when performing in rough bars. (click pictures to enlarge) Behind the cabasa is my midget rhino, captured in the Guilford woods and stuffed by a Guilford company Things You Stuff . It punctured my leg with its tiny horn before I kicked it like a football down into the creek where it landed on a boulder and broke its back. In front of the rhino is my pyramid. Sitting under a pyramid is supposed to make you healthy. I didn't know they meant you were supposed to sit inside a pyramid. This one finally fell off a lamp on my head point first. I was wearing the black battle helmet next to it at the time so my head was spared another scar and the walnut brain inside my skull didn't move. On the top shelf on ...

A Concise Christmas Photo Tour of the Guilford Castle (click photos to enlarge) The King is usually in turmoil and can be quite direct with his subjects (see sign at far left) , but then he seems to show Christmas spirit by the sign on the brick wall at right; until one of the servants let it slip that the sign was on the entrance to the Guilford Dungeon. The left photo shows Fred, the King's favorite peasant, hanging around the Castle Play Room. "He doesn't say much anymore," the King said. "And I can beat him at chess." On the right, the King's party crown is only brought out for special dinners or peasant hangings. The King's Card Game weapons: a stainless 45 caliber with special grips and 230 grain hollowpoints, and a 25 caliber double shot derringer. (He once had to pull both on a past Pope and the late John Gotti during marathon poker games. That funfest can be found in the Guilford historical record.) The King always carries both, which can m...

The missile recently fired over the California coast was from Guilford, the King said today. "It's my latest attempt to get someone to declare war on Guilford so we can get money to rebuild after they bomb my peasants." But it is not the type of warhead used in the recent Bonehead War , which began when some peasant called the King a bonehead. The new more powerful missile contains no humans and is based on Dwight Bingham’s close observation of drunks using pay toilets in all-night hamburger restaurants in the 1960s. Back then, many restaurants had pay toilets. Customers had to insert a dime in the coin slot to use the toilet. Pay toilets are also the origin of the dance called the Limbo as customers attempted to use the toilet without paying for it. After several experiments where he witnessed toilet doors being blown off the hinges by drunken patrons, Bingham wrote the thesis that has become the space flight Bible: Pay Toilet Door Hinge Failure Due To Food Induced Ex...

It's that time of the year again in Guilford, Indiana, where the peasants, like Christmas lights, hang from the trees year round. Every Saturday in September will be the late summer Drag Your Peasant Through The Creek Day. All Guilford residents are eligible to participate. Peasants being dragged must weigh at least 90 pounds and have arms and legs when the contest begins (artificial legs and arms acceptable). Draggers may not drag their wives, husbands, or other immediate family members. No four-wheelers allowed: horses only. The contest will be judged on speed, skips and bounces across boulders, and how much the peasant screams. First place will receive one brand new trained peasant from the Guilford Castle. Second place through last place get free beer and one night (without torture) chained in the Guilford dungeons. The King of Guilford says: "This replaces the annual drop your peasant in the creek day because the twelve-million dollar, two-hundred foot high tower c...

If one can believe the slanted public relations, the King of Guilford is always open, in his own way, to new ideas on how to make life more productive for his dirty peasants. Some insane U.S. health researcher states that people can do an intense workout for 45 minutes on one day a week and receive the same benefit as if they worked out every day. The King used that idea and the same criteria that led him to Dickie the Stick and Ronnie the Rock to develop a new exercise program using something called Robbie the Rope. "The concept isn't new," the King said. "But now you don't have to use expensive scaffolds with steps to exercise. You can use Robbie the Rope with any tree, shower stall head, door frame, or traffic light." Stretching exercises that normally take hours in the gym can be done in a matter of minutes. "The neck holds the key to pain free living. It allows the mind to concentrate on other things like proper breathing. Just don't over d...

The dirty peasants in the picture all had four things in common: 1. They lived in Guilford. 2. Each had a million dollar life insurance policy. 3. They all died within the past month. 4. The King of Guilford collected on their life insurance policies. Following the success of a peasant program Drive Drunk that got rid of gas hogs in Guilford by ordering everyone who owned an SUV to drive drunk, the King bought up life insurance policies from dirty peasants for less than half the value and collected when many of them died wrecking those SUVs. Now, Wall Street bankers are going to buy up million dollar life insurance policies from old people for four hundred thousand dollars and then collect a million dollars when they croak. They plan to bundle the policies in groups and sell them to speculators based on how long the people covered by the insurance policies will live. "It's nice to know that Wall Street admires your work," the King said. "There is nothing these peopl...