October 8th Columbus Day Guilford Version: His Bladder Led To America

It's Columbus Day. My post office is closed. Good for them. Columbus was one of my heroes. He is often considered on the same level as Hitler because he discovered America and the Indians ended up being conned out of their land. Like it was really their land. Like it was his fault. It's like saying the King of Guilford is evil just because I hang criminal peasants. (That kind of thinking comes from unemployed peasants with time for crime on their hands. The kind of peasants I hang so it is a natural balance in nature where the strong survive and the weak get hanged.)

Columbus was a drunk, but he was a smart guy. A rare manuscript from the Guilford archives shows America was really discovered by mistake. Here is a conversation recorded on parchment by Luis de Torres of Portugal, the Santa Maria historian, when Columbus discovered America.

First Mate: Why are we stopping here?

Columbus: I have to pee.

First Mate: Pee off the side of the ship.

Columbus: I'm ashamed of my dork. It's small and turns to the right and I pee on my leg. The crew will laugh at me.

First Mate: Your a complicated man, Columbus.

Columbus: Just stop the boat.

First Mate: Who are those people on the shore?

Columbus: Oh, great. I can't pee in front of a bunch of Chinese.

Crewman: They don't look Chinese, sir. They look kind of sun tan.

Columbus: They must have scurvy. We better stop and kill them and take their land and start the ball rolling to build great cities like LA and Detroit and DC where everyone is honest and hardworking and always tells the truth. Places where every reject in the world can come to blame their miserable lives on a nice Italian boy like me.

First Mate: What are you talking about?

Columbus: Does that tall one on the shore have boobs? I want to pillage.

Crewman: Yeah, I'd could stand to eat some Chinese food instead of my shoes.

Columbus: Load your guns, men. I have to pee.

The Crew: Oh, no, the crazy bastard has to pee again.

So America was really discovered because Columbus had a small dork that turned to the right and he had to pee behind trees so his crew wouldn't laugh at him. Not because he was a greedy warmonger intent on taking over the world. You won't see that in books because you can't base an entire historic cultural discovery on a small bent dork and a bad bladder. 

(Update)

It also ignored the fact that Indians didn't like each other and had wars where they made each other slaves and tortured and killed and sometimes ate each other when short on food. No one ever mentions this when talking about history. They also treated women like dogs and practiced slavery. The men hunted, fished, played games, ate food, and reproduced. We really screwed that up for them.

Now, Cincinnati has changed Columbus Day to Indigenous People Day so no one will know what it means including Indigenous People, many who live on reservations and have the highest crime rate in the country. The entire concept makes no sense.

(This very short essay was actually written as a sort of an exit exam when I was locked up at the Sunnyvale Mental Rehab facility. It's kind of a psycho treatment program where you have to show some progress before they let you out. My doctor, Mad Dog Ernie Krisinsky, claiming I was much worse than before I came to Sunnyvale, kept me another six months. Later, he was truly impressed that I had become a King. When he actually came to Guilford after I invited him for a visit, I hanged him. A book Waiting For An Open Bed is based in part on my time spent at Sunnyvale.)

The late Ernie Krisinsky didn't believe this supposed 1492 actual map submitted by the King of Guilford with the article above to prove his Columbus theory. Krisinsky claimed he knew it was phony because Vegas didn't exist yet and Cuba was in the wrong place. (click to enlarge map.)