King of Guilford News

Dirty peasant Steve Krebble, the first Guilford Santa, couldn't handle children and took his own   way out rather than Guilford hanging. A Guilford trained peasant Santa may be working the streets of your town this year. (click to enlarge) Hire A Guilford Santa (If You Dare) A company started last Christmas season, Things That Jingle, is already in trouble in the United States for the actions of its employees. All companies in Guilford must start with the words Things That according to a spokesperson for the King of Guilford. Things That Fly, Things That Bounce, Things That Blowup, Things That Stink.... the list could go on as the King comes up with more ideas to fill the castle coffers. The results are often not what is expected when Guilford peasants migrate into the outside world beyond the Guilford borders. As seen above, the Guilford Santa on hire to a local community is supposed to jingle when he walks, thanks to the set of bells attached to the pierced rin...

Simple, yet effective for imprinting gonads for cloud storage. New DUI Technology Starts April 1, 2018 The city of Cincinnati has approved new technology to help identify thousands of possibly under the influence drivers. Things That Print, a Guilford company, has developed the Gonad Impression Kit, known by the trade name Ball Printer. Portable kits will be available to Cincinnati police for traffic stops and any sanctioned home invasion today. Two vise grip folding gel squares, like a mouse glue trap, are tightened around the gonads to make an impression. The impressions are then stored using cloud technology and any copies destroyed, except for several odd ones printed in plastic that will hang at the Justice Center to scare prisoners. Since each ball print is different, some saggy and some different sizes, the identification is consistent with fingerprints for court evidence.  "They wanted to try erect penis prints," a spokesperson for the Mayor said. ...

Adjust your own blinds and window size while taking a dump. The Guilford Window Blind Do you have a window in your shitter?  Don't waste money on an expensive blind. From Guilford's Things That Wipe Company comes the usable and totally replaceable Venetian Slat Blinds. Comes equipped with six rolls of paper. Window size doesn't matter. Just add your own rolls or length. Replace when used up. Get yours today.  12.95 from Things That Wipe. 

Following the lead of federal and local governments of really jamming it to citizens under the guise that they are doing something good for them, the King of Guilford decided to level new taxes on his peasant population. "Guilford is like any other government," the King said. "We are going to tax things people enjoy the most because we know they will pay anything to continue trying to enjoy their miserable pointless lives under endless regulations." Here is a partial list of new Guilford taxes. Junkyard Dog Tax In addition to the old $4.00 Ball Tax on male dogs in Guilford, there will be a $2.00 no ball tax for female dogs, and a $3.00 junkyard dog tax for any animal weighing over 22 pounds. There will be an additional $2.00 excise tax if a dog has all its teeth or has escaped from the Guilford Wang Fo You Chinese Restaurant with all limbs. Dogs over the age of twenty or missing a leg are exempt from the tax. Fireworks Tax... any explosive will have a new 10...

The giant volcanic hole may erupt this year. Hollywood would be gone, but is that a bad thing? Join The Big Asbestos Cork Project   During these times of stress over global warming (like this hasn't happened before),  some people are frantic because there is nothing they can do about changing climate. Why can't they make it rain? Why can't they make it colder or hotter? Why is there air? Why can't they just throw money at the problem? Well, you can throw money at a project that may save all of mankind. Forget the green earth scam; that's just mold and all talk and making money for doing nothing. The real issue facing world survival is the Yellowstone Caldera under Yellowstone National Park. It is the biggest active super volcano on the planet. If it blows (and it is due to blow) life on earth will pretty much be over. You won't have to worry about the sun shining or the rain falling or the giant squirting Amazon cockroach being wiped ou...

This experimental Guilford drone will be used to track and attack dirty peasants. King of Guilford Spies On Peasants The peasants in Guilford have been too quiet in the past few months, which could mean they are plotting something against the King again, according to Mindy Carpsworth Dickinstein, a reporter for the radical magazine The King Sucks. After their failure in the Bonehead War, started a few years ago when a peasant called the King a bonehead, the peasants have been secretly meeting to discuss getting rid of the less than beloved monarch. The word is out that since the King had been wounded by a flying hub cap during the war, he may not have the taste for a new conflict. "He needs to go," Dickenstein said. "His repressive form of leadership is out of step with the peasant movement of total government dependency without any source of income or political leadership." "I'm not a politician, I'm a King," the King said. ...

Watch out for this one. Keep your pants up, dirty peasants.