Fast Facts From Guilford Culture

Fast Facts From Guilford Culture
Startup companies have been a way of life for both peasants and royalty in Guilford, and most of the companies begin with Things That. Things That Fly, Things That Suck, and Things That Stick In The Ground have all become Guilford trademarks, employing hundreds of peasants until they piss the King off and get executed or get killed in accidents. One company Stuff That Stinks, a corporate division of Things That Stink, developed the Guilford Pigfarmus sinus cure.

One night while drunk and having sinus problems, the King passed a a toxic pig farm that cleared his sinus problems. Guilford scientists developed a manual delivery system for the Pigfarmus Sinus Cure that blew seven windows out of the FBI Office in the Federal Building in Cincinnati, Ohio during tests. "They didn't follow the directions," the King said.

The prototype diagram of the Guilford Pigfarmus Sinus Cure says it all, and the factory exploded under mysterious circumstances a month later. Toxic gases killed livestock and 33 more peasants. The explosion took the shape of a pigface, making many peasants believe the explosion was caused by pissed off pigs or Satan.














King of Guilford Former Street Person

The King of Guilford wasn't always a King according to a story in "The King Sucks" a radical peasant newsletter released earlier this week in Guilford. The article claims King Dennis, using the name Chad Ripley, was a male prostitute in downtown Cincinnati. David Lester, the newsletter publisher, now under death warrant if caught in Guilford, said the King's career as a prostitute was short because, "He couldn't get laid in a womans' prison with a handful of pardons."

Lester has been sentenced under death penalty offense #47322 Saying the King Was A Lousy Whore. King Dennis admits the story is true.

"I was young. I was pretty, and I had a unique approach to selling my body. I guess the timing wasn't right. That's one reason I moved to Guilford and became a King. I'm better suited to hanging peasants than I was to having horny women using me as an object of their carnal lust. I just couldn't do it."
David Lester, in hiding somewhere in Guilford, laughed at the King's comments. "Even knotholes aren't safe around this guy. He couldn't do it because no one even made him an offer."

The King, with his unique approach to male prostitution, is pictured below trying to sell his body.










Comments

Anonymous said…
I think I took pictures of you back then, right there on Central Parkway. I had no idea you were a male hooker.
December 28, 2012 at 8:22 AM
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