King of Guilford News

The King's Seven "Hole In One" Golf Course    King of Guilford Makes Seven "Hole In Ones" On Guilford Golf Course      King Dennis of Guilford has become the first person in history to make seven "hole in ones" during an 18 hole round of golf at his castle private golf course. He has demanded to be added to the international golfer's Hall of Fame and has requested his name be put in the Guinness Book of World records.     James Fettering, President of Indiana Golfers Association, said this will not happen.     "We have photographic evidence that the self-proclaimed King is a cheater and a lousy golfer. The longest fairway on his golf course is less than 50 yards, and his greens aren't quite up to regulation. This guy is a nut and criminal."     "Thank you for those kind words," the King replied, in a written statement to Mr. Fettering. "I have decided to invite you to play a rou...

The Guilford Bank has joined the credit card ranks by offering the new anti-theft "Whips N Chains" consumer credit card. Using a simple plan followed by other credit card companies to prey on consumers with little or no credit, the new card guarantees no one can use the card if it is stolen or lost. "Each card is issued with a $4000 line of credit," the King said. "But with our upfront fees, the consumer is already up to the limit before they make a purchase. If someone steals the card they won't be able to buy anything with it. It's guaranteed anti-theft and legally in tune with the endless screwing other major credit card companies now give the average consumer." Mandy Cribbits, a consumer credit advocate, advises weighing the advantages of the Guilford card against the drawbacks before signing anything. Read the small print. ADVANTAGES 1. Anyone can get the card. 2. Looks good on credit report because no late payments are reported. ...

The King will run on his flying car platform. King Dennis Runs For President King Dennis of Guilford has decided to run for President of the United States under his Guilford Party Platform and move his headquarters to Guilford.  "I will run on a flying car platform," the King said. "Anyone who votes for me will get a free flying car when I get one. They promised us flying cars by 2000 when I was a kid, and I will make sure we get them during my tour. Since everyone in the world seems to be running for president, I may as well join the group." When asked why he would make a good President, the King replied, "There are no longer any Americans in Washington. Try going to the monuments area and speak English. Never thought I would see this. You will be lucky if you find anyone who speaks English. Who let this happen?" When asked what he would actually do if elected, the King said: 1. Fire every crooked politician in the pockets of foreign ...

The King Makes A Profound Statement Lettuce Will Rot Your Brain The King hates lettuce, and Guilford scientists discovered yesterday (under duress) the lettuce link that causes Brain Drisslemonius, or a brain turning to liquid and coming out the nose. It's a rare disease, but one that has been given little attention over the years because no one could figure out the cause. Now, scientists in Sweden have conducted a study and found conclusive evidence that eating lettuce will destroy all brain function and turn you into a vegetable. It's always been known that lettuce is useless. There are no health benefits to eating lettuce, other than the fact that restaurants get rich charging a fortune for salads with lettuce. The phrase "let us begin" came from the word lettuce and seems to be the only significance from lettuce. Spinach is much better and will give you "arms the size of Popeye," one scientist said. So far the disease has seemed to hi...

(Written during the great Swine flu supposed epidemic back in 2009 when the taxpayer got stuck paying for a bunch of government bought vaccine no one needed.) The Swine Flu is everywhere in Guilford, according to the Guilford Health Department. The King charges for the vaccine, which he says is abundant in Guilford. "There are always shortages when stuff is free," the King said. "But when you charge for it, we never run out." Peasants must get the vaccine in Guilford or face death under new law #6241 Refusing An Injection For An Obscure Disease Created In A Guilford Lab. If they show any symptoms at all, peasants will be bound by law to be injected with the Swine Flu vaccine manufactured by Things That Sting, a King owned company. Each family will be charged $200 per peasant, except for the first week of November when the vaccine will be half priced according to the sign on the Guilford General Store. Since it is impossible to tell who has Swine Flu,...