What The King Did On Saturday

From The Office Of The King Of Guilford
What I Did On Saturday
It was Saturday and the Queen went shopping and I'm hyper so I had to do something besides hang out in the dungeon. I took a walk through the kingdom with six of my elite Guilford Militia guards. I saw peasant Lou 'Stumpy' Grizzard give me the finger as I passed. My guards tied him up and hanged him from the one open tree in town. His wife said he couldn't have given me the finger because I had both his hands cut off when he used to be my gardner. She must think I'm an idiot. I knew what he meant when he raised that stump to scratch his head. I had her hanged below Stumpy and burned down their house.

I gave a speech at the Guilford General Store. It's not a store anymore since the owner didn't survive the fall from the tower crane during last Bounce Your Peasant In The Creek Day. But dirty peasants gather there on weekends. I quoted the late Woody Allen when he said, "The lion and the calf might lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep." That pretty much sums up my aggressive romps with the Queen. Then some idiot reminded me that Woody Allen wasn't dead.

I laughed. "He hasn't been to Guilford yet." Then, everyone kind of laughed. It's nice to be the King, and I didn't even execute the fool who corrected me about Woody Allen.

I went home and played with the Royal dog, Corkus the Slayer. Watched him take a dump in the yard. I tried it and fell down the hill. Corkus laughed. You know that thing dogs do that's kind of a yawn and they make a funny squeaky sound. That's how they laugh. I kicked him in the balls and he's still in the yard moaning. Some people might say I have an inferiority complex because I always think everyone is laughing at me, even the royal dog.

All lies, I say. Because in Guilford, you only laugh at the King once and then you become a Christmas tree decoration. Now that's power.

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