The King At War

King Dennis of Guilford, fully recovered from his hubcap wound during the recent Bonehead War, has resumed command of the Guilford Militia during its operation in the town of Bonnelle. Troops are trying to capture Jerry Wilson, 26, who started the war and remains a fugitive after calling the King a bonehead. Three thousand Guilford acres have been destroyed during the resulting fires.

"I'm fired up today," the King said. "I've already shot two peasants and three turkeys." Asked by reporters how he could justify destroying land because somebody called him a bonehead, the King replied. "It's my land and so are these peasants. My militia actually enjoys being called maggots and slimy pukes. It keeps them mean, and they like to burn stuff."

When told the US Government may send planes to bomb Guilford for human rights violations, the King laughed. "I should be so lucky. After they bomb you, they always give you money to rebuild. They won't give their own people two dead flies, but if you lose a war, they take care of you forever. It's kind of like guilt welfare and I can use the money."

(The picture shows a dirty peasant, Larry 'loverboy' Harris, captured during the Bonehead War with equipment paid for by US government anti-drug money. But, there has never been a drug arrest in Guilford. Dealing drugs is death penalty offense 4312 out of the 270,000 death penalty offenses in Guilford, and one of the few never used. The King uses the free drug money to oppress peasants and to play blackjack.)