King of Guilford News

Some of the animals to look for in Mt. Airy after the Wednesday release. GNS News: April 4, Cincinnati: Cincinnati Zoo To Release Zoo Animals In Mt. Airy Forest Due to budget cuts caused by the continued dispute over street car issues, parking, and their own salaries, the mayor's office approved a plan to release lions, cheetahs, three wolfs, two elephants, a rhino, and a giant python in Mt. Airy Forest Friday morning April 4, 2018. "We can no longer afford to feed them," a zoo official said late Sunday night. "This forces us to go along with the release program." The unidentified zoo spokesperson, who was not authorized to release information, said there would be a certain risk involved to surrounding communities, especially from the predators. "Mt. Airy Forest has over fifteen hundred acres in the center of several communities. We are asking   that everyone avoid the picnic areas and their backyards during this trying t...

The Guilford Goose beheaded for being Christian. King Set To Protect Dirty Peasants A manhunt is under way in Guilford to find the terrorists who beheaded the second Guilford Goose located across from the Guilford Post Office. The militia has orders to shoot on sight anyone who shows any indication of being a domestic ISIS terrorist.  The King had this to say. "I know they will be domestic terrorists because unlike the rest of America, we seal the borders in Guilford and those foreign scumbags know better than to mess with Guilford. Some heinous wretch has attacked us and the attackers will pay a thousand times over for this outrage." A relative of the owner, who didn't know what heinous wretch meant and would not give his name, told others that the goose owner heard a bunch of drunken singing outside his house at three in the morning. He then heard loud muffler pipes when a truck started and then a big clunk noise. When he came outside, the goose wa...

DORTHO THE ARTIST Dortho burst on to the scene last last week during a talent contest in Guilford. Some say it's Queen Dorothy, but others whisper than it's a dungeon peasant doing the artwork. No matter what, a major talent has erupted in Guilford and is taking the outside world by storm. The King hasn't made a comment and won't say whether Dortho art will be on the castle walls. Dortho, like most of Guilford, is a complete mystery to the outside world.That may soon change with conceptual art like ARMY ANTS, which at times has been confused with the brilliant ROCK CLIMBERS...but that happens when genius is discovered. Dortho is captivating the art world in a way most people don't understand. "I love it," peasant Grinda Burnwall said. "I don't know why, but I want one." Many others seem captivated as well. Soon, Dortho may soon be a household name. For the first time anywhere. New abstract by rising star, Dortho.  Critics...

A Jimmy Carter quote was the inspiration for this inspirational poster of the late Lester Ray Goober. (A Special Section) Past President Quotes (from the King of Guilford) The King of Guilford doesn't have a lot of spare time between fighting wars and hanging peasants and taking care of the only kingdom in the continental United States. When he does have time he puts together books that most Guilford peasants would never comprehend, while most of the outside world ignores an obvious genius. His new project involves quotes from past Presidents that are relevant to their character. Everyone within a hundred miles of Plains, Georgia cashed in on the Jimmy Carter craze back in the 70's. People down south made all kinds of consumer gifts with Plains, Georgia engraved on them. Tourists flocked to Plains to buy these things. The King of Guilford knew this first hand because he was living down there at the time and worked a summer at GoldKist during the peanut harvest driv...

Dirty peasant Steve Krebble, the first Guilford Santa, couldn't handle children and took his own   way out rather than Guilford hanging. A Guilford trained peasant Santa may be working the streets of your town this year. (click to enlarge) Hire A Guilford Santa (If You Dare) A company started last Christmas season, Things That Jingle, is already in trouble in the United States for the actions of its employees. All companies in Guilford must start with the words Things That according to a spokesperson for the King of Guilford. Things That Fly, Things That Bounce, Things That Blowup, Things That Stink.... the list could go on as the King comes up with more ideas to fill the castle coffers. The results are often not what is expected when Guilford peasants migrate into the outside world beyond the Guilford borders. As seen above, the Guilford Santa on hire to a local community is supposed to jingle when he walks, thanks to the set of bells attached to the pierced rin...

Simple, yet effective for imprinting gonads for cloud storage. New DUI Technology Starts April 1, 2018 The city of Cincinnati has approved new technology to help identify thousands of possibly under the influence drivers. Things That Print, a Guilford company, has developed the Gonad Impression Kit, known by the trade name Ball Printer. Portable kits will be available to Cincinnati police for traffic stops and any sanctioned home invasion today. Two vise grip folding gel squares, like a mouse glue trap, are tightened around the gonads to make an impression. The impressions are then stored using cloud technology and any copies destroyed, except for several odd ones printed in plastic that will hang at the Justice Center to scare prisoners. Since each ball print is different, some saggy and some different sizes, the identification is consistent with fingerprints for court evidence.  "They wanted to try erect penis prints," a spokesperson for the Mayor said. ...

Adjust your own blinds and window size while taking a dump. The Guilford Window Blind Do you have a window in your shitter?  Don't waste money on an expensive blind. From Guilford's Things That Wipe Company comes the usable and totally replaceable Venetian Slat Blinds. Comes equipped with six rolls of paper. Window size doesn't matter. Just add your own rolls or length. Replace when used up. Get yours today.  12.95 from Things That Wipe.