King of Guilford News

(This Guilford Headline from 2008 tells the story of some interesting people who lived in Guilford, and would still be living there, if the King had not seized power.) Southeast Indiana News: Guilford Historian To Be Executed Bobby Lee Jamison is a rare Guilford commodity. Bobby Lee is the only Guilford peasant to obtain a college degree while in state prison for robbing pizza delivery drivers in nearby Lawrenceburg. A history major, a fashion designer, and an expert on old paintings, he returned to Guilford two weeks ago. Now, he will be the first peasant hanged this weekend from the flagpole at the Guilford Post Office. He will be executed for death penalty offense #4639 Talking Bad About The King's Relatives. It all started over the painting above, when King Dennis claimed to have traced his relatives back a hundred generations to Rome. The King claimed the victorious gladiator was his uncle, Uranus Maximus . When the King asked Bobby Lee Jamison to translate Uranus Maximu...

The Guilford traffic light collapsed last year under the weight of hanging peasants. The Hangings That Changed Guilford  It happened a few years ago and changed life in Guilford since that time. Historians called it the Bonehead War. A peasant called the King of Guilford "a bonehead with the brain function of shredded wheat", and began a conflict that cost over 2000 lives and a King wounded by a flying hubcap. King Dennis of Guilford had ordered an immediate attack by the militia and added, "I'm not angry about being called a bonehead, but we can't have dirty peasants here speaking in complete coherent sentences and talking bad about my favorite breakfast cereal." T he King and his "mad militia" won the war, but the hangings weren't over until last weekend when the last peasant captured during the Bonnelle Battle was hanged in front of the Post Office.   The Guilford Traffic Light worked very well for traffic tickets. Pl...

This Guilford Pig may resemble the dead Chinese pigs. BEIJING:   Pig carcasses, nearly 14,000 of them, have been floating down rivers that feed into Shanghai for nearly two weeks. The city's residents have been told not to worry, and not much else. No one, including the government, seems to know where they are coming from and why. Several extreme Liberals in the United States claim that it has to do with assault weapon control, putting the blame on the legal and law abiding citizen gun owners in America for causing all world problems. "There is no doubt," one senator, who wasn't authorized to speak, said. "The import of cheap assault weapons from China has led to all these helpless pigs being used for target practice. We need legislation to stop this now." The senator said this despite claims by the Chinese government that the pigs had not been shot. "They lie a lot," the senator said. Muslim extremists claim they did i...