The "Bonehead War" In Guilford

New fighting between dirty peasants and the Guilford Militia erupted this morning in what is being called The Bonehead War. During a subversive gathering, one mile west of the Guilford Castle, a peasant rally turned deadly when Jerry Wilson, 25, called the King "an ignorant bonehead with the brain function of shredded wheat."
King Dennis of Guilford ordered an immediate attack by the militia and added, "I'm not angry about being called a bonehead, but we can't have peasants here speaking in complete coherent sentences and talking bad about my favorite breakfast cereal."

The battle lasted until noon when the peasants were defeated. The Guilford Militia lost three dead. Fourteen peasants were reported killed, and the King was struck in the knee with a flying hubcap. (The picture above shows the remains of Jerry Wilson's belongings after he escaped.)
Guilford had just recovered from the Bingo Hall Peasant Squatter Fire of the previous week, and now the fires have spread unchecked again.
"Most peasants adapt well to grovelling," the King said."There are always a few guerilla peasants, and I'll burn this place to the ground to root them out. The fires also look cool as a background when I play my eight-track copy of Disco Inferno."
The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has called an emergency regional meeting to level fines against Guilford for air pollution. When told Guilford may be fined, the King grabbed himself between the legs and said: "Let'em put a fine on this."

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Torture In Guilford: Humane And Healthy Way

Image
Forget psychologists and their waterboarding, sleep deprival, beatings and starvation. The U.S. Government should have contracted with Guilford to get information from enemies, according to the King. "We've always had a solution in Guilford. I'm not saying we don't torture for fun here. Some of these dirty peasants deserve it. There is nothing more exciting than seeing a toothless peasant dangling by the crotch or neck from a traffic light. But when we really need to get answers from terrorists, we use one thing that works and is also covered by many healthcare providers and is performed maybe a thousand times a day all over the country. I'm talking about the angiogram . Check an enemy for heart disease and then obtain all the information you can handle." The Guilford Torture Manual* * section 14/page 297 revised with added diagnostics and a free yo-yo. The Angiogram 1. Take terrorist to cold room full of strange pulsing machines and str
Read more

German Author In Guilford

Image
The King's German cousin makes an entry into the mystery market. King's Cousin To Release Mystery Gunther G. Gonzo had never written a mystery before he moved to Guilford. "I based it on a story I had heard from a police officer in Berlin. I added a few things, like a huge collective farm in dairy country, and a rodeo, a big city bar, and the missing chicken." "It's a spy novel," the King said. "The lead character is named Dennis so how could I not like it. Everyone knows that everyone on the planet was named Dennis until they did something wrong. Dennis represents purity and virtue." "Yeah, that's it," Gonzo told reporters. "The midget on the cover is the lead character's right hand man, Jacko. The chicken and the model are also from the dungeon kitchen." "We got a big dungeon," the King said. Mindy Raghorn Wallace Gippy, a Guilford fugitive reporter from The King Sucks magazine, w
Read more

Zoo To Release Animals In Mount Airy Forest

Image
Some of the animals to look for in Mt. Airy after the Wednesday release. GNS News: April 4, Cincinnati: Cincinnati Zoo To Release Zoo Animals In Mt. Airy Forest Due to budget cuts caused by the continued dispute over street car issues, parking, and their own salaries, the mayor's office approved a plan to release lions, cheetahs, three wolfs, two elephants, a rhino, and a giant python in Mt. Airy Forest Friday morning April 4, 2018. "We can no longer afford to feed them," a zoo official said late Sunday night. "This forces us to go along with the release program." The unidentified zoo spokesperson, who was not authorized to release information, said there would be a certain risk involved to surrounding communities, especially from the predators. "Mt. Airy Forest has over fifteen hundred acres in the center of several communities. We are asking   that everyone avoid the picnic areas and their backyards during this trying t
Read more