King of Guilford News

From The Office Of The King Of Guilford What I Did On Saturday It was Saturday and the Queen went shopping and I'm hyper so I had to do something besides hang out in the dungeon. I took a walk through the kingdom with six of my elite Guilford Militia guards. I saw peasant Lou 'Stumpy' Grizzard give me the finger as I passed. My guards tied him up and hanged him from the one open tree in town. His wife said he couldn't have given me the finger because I had both his hands cut off when he used to be my gardner. She must think I'm an idiot. I knew what he meant when he raised that stump to scratch his head. I had her hanged below Stumpy and burned down their house. I gave a speech at the Guilford General Store. It's not a store anymore since the owner didn't survive the fall from the tower crane during last Bounce Your Peasant In The Creek Day . But dirty peasants gather there on weekends. I quoted the late Woody Allen when he said, "The lion and the calf...

King Dennis of Guilford, fully recovered from his hubcap wound during the recent Bonehead War , has resumed command of the Guilford Militia during its operation in the town of Bonnelle. Troops are trying to capture Jerry Wilson , 26, who started the war and remains a fugitive after calling the King a bonehead. Three thousand Guilford acres have been destroyed during the resulting fires. "I'm fired up today," the King said. "I've already shot two peasants and three turkeys." Asked by reporters how he could justify destroying land because somebody called him a bonehead, the King replied. "It's my land and so are these peasants. My militia actually enjoys being called maggots and slimy pukes. It keeps them mean, and they like to burn stuff." When told the US Government may send planes to bomb Guilford for human rights violations, the King laughed. "I should be so lucky. After they bomb you, they always give you money to rebuild. They won...

New fighting between dirty peasants and the Guilford Militia erupted this morning in what is being called The Bonehead War . During a subversive gathering, one mile west of the Guilford Castle, a peasant rally turned deadly when Jerry Wilson, 25, called the King "an ignorant bonehead with the brain function of shredded wheat." King Dennis of Guilford ordered an immediate attack by the militia and added, "I'm not angry about being called a bonehead, but we can't have peasants here speaking in complete coherent sentences and talking bad about my favorite breakfast cereal." The battle lasted until noon when the peasants were defeated. The Guilford Militia lost three dead. Fourteen peasants were reported killed, and the King was struck in the knee with a flying hubcap. (The picture above shows the remains of Jerry Wilson's belongings after he escaped.) Guilford had just recovered from the Bingo Hall Peasant Squatter Fire of the previous week, and now the f...