King of Guilford News

This experimental Guilford drone will be used to track and attack dirty peasants. King of Guilford Spies On Peasants The peasants in Guilford have been too quiet in the past few months, which could mean they are plotting something against the King again, according to Mindy Carpsworth Dickinstein, a reporter for the radical magazine The King Sucks. After their failure in the Bonehead War, started a few years ago when a peasant called the King a bonehead, the peasants have been secretly meeting to discuss getting rid of the less than beloved monarch. The word is out that since the King had been wounded by a flying hub cap during the war, he may not have the taste for a new conflict. "He needs to go," Dickenstein said. "His repressive form of leadership is out of step with the peasant movement of total government dependency without any source of income or political leadership." "I'm not a politician, I'm a King," the King said. ...

Watch out for this one. Keep your pants up, dirty peasants.

A typical job seminar in Guilford isn't very exciting since the pay is low and there are so many laws governing workers. (These peasants were hanged for falling asleep while the King was explaining yard work at the Guilford Castle.) Death Penalty #536471 Falling Asleep While The King Speaks To Dumbass Peasants Things That Work Lists Available Peasants Every company in Guilford is owned in part by the King. The company names must start with Things That. So Guilford has Things That Fly, Things That Smell, Things That Blow Up, etc. The newest kingdom backed effort is Things That Work. Prospective employers can hire cream of the crop peasants for cheap labor or any other need. The agency and the King take up to 40% of the peasant's minimum wage salary, but since the alternative is torture or being hanged, peasants don't complain much. Here are the available peasants for hire in the coming week. Harvey Lee Brusinski Like most peasants, Harvey sometim...

This picture could cause World War 3. Russia Ready To Attack Guilford King Dennis of Guilford has finally found a way to get some foreign power to attack him. The United States won't do it because they know the King just wants money to rebuild after the U.S. bombs Guilford. "No one would attack us on the ground," the King said. "Oppressed hillbillies are more deadly than any military forces on earth, and in Guilford, we keep our hillbillies fired up. It's a full time job trying to keep them from killing me." The King sent the above photo, without the captions, to Putin and said the one on the right, Texas Jack Dick Broadwell, was related to Putin so Putin was actually a hillbilly and not even Russian. "Your great-grandpa was a hillbilly," the King said in a letter to Putin. "He got shot in Guilford long ago. So you don't have the balls to invade us...and you owe me six thousand from our last card game." Appare...