King of Guilford News

The Guilford Bank has joined the credit card ranks by offering the new anti-theft "Whips N Chains" consumer credit card. Using a simple plan followed by other credit card companies to prey on consumers with little or no credit, the new card guarantees no one can use the card if it is stolen or lost. "Each card is issued with a $4000 line of credit," the King said. "But with our upfront fees, the consumer is already up to the limit before they make a purchase. If someone steals the card they won't be able to buy anything with it. It's guaranteed anti-theft and legally in tune with the endless screwing other major credit card companies now give the average consumer." Mandy Cribbits, a consumer credit advocate, advises weighing the advantages of the Guilford card against the drawbacks before signing anything. Read the small print. ADVANTAGES 1. Anyone can get the card. 2. Looks good on credit report because no late payments are reported. ...

The King will run on his flying car platform. King Dennis Runs For President King Dennis of Guilford has decided to run for President of the United States under his Guilford Party Platform and move his headquarters to Guilford.  "I will run on a flying car platform," the King said. "Anyone who votes for me will get a free flying car when I get one. They promised us flying cars by 2000 when I was a kid, and I will make sure we get them during my tour. Since everyone in the world seems to be running for president, I may as well join the group." When asked why he would make a good President, the King replied, "There are no longer any Americans in Washington. Try going to the monuments area and speak English. Never thought I would see this. You will be lucky if you find anyone who speaks English. Who let this happen?" When asked what he would actually do if elected, the King said: 1. Fire every crooked politician in the pockets of foreign ...