Flash From The Past: Guilford Airlines

FAA Rates Guilford Airlines Most Dangerous

New proof recently discovered from a fatal TWA crash over rural Illinois years ago has led the FAA to change the cause of a crash from mechanical failure to a mid-air collision with a Guilford Airlines commercial jet.

"Anyone flying on Guilford Airlines is nuts," a spokeman said. "They train their pilots on the video games in the Walmart lobby."

King Dennis of Guilford said the FAA is nuts. "My pilots are the finest. They aren't much on taking off and landing, but the Walmart Skyraider video game is one of the best trainers in existence. I can train a commercial pilot for twenty bucks."

The FAA said the oncoming Guilford pilot in the picture has been identified as Leonard Schitz, a peasant who had both arms chopped off by the King three years ago while working in the castle garden.

"It's my policy to hire the disabled," the King said. "Leonard could drop a bomb on a dime using his feet and forehead to fly the plane. It was his own fault he killed my roses and lost his arms. I'm strict with my garden peasants."

The FAA said the Guilford fleet of 16 small commercial jets has been reduced to four due to crashes.

"That's a lie," the King said. "We lost four from ground fire during the Bonehead War a few months ago. The others were grounded until we replace the parts made in China and Mexico." When asked if he flew on his own airline, the King laughed. "Do you think I became King by being stupid?"

(In the picture above, Guilford pilot Leonard Schitz is about to make an impression on a TWA flight. This picture was recovered in a corn field after the crash.)

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