King of Guilford News

KING OF GUILFORD NEWS  The book (second row left) Waiting For An Open Bed   provided the perfect cover for the King to be missing from Guilford. He hasn't been to Sunnyvale in years. (click to enlarge)   Southeast Indiana News:   Guilford War Uses 12,000 Pound Nut Bomb      King Dennis of Guilford's phony return from the Sunnyvale Mental Rehab Facility was a cover story to keep outsiders from coming to Guilford while he faced a terrorist uprising that has, until now, been ignored by the media.     "The Guilford castle had been under attack for weeks," the King said. "The story that I was crazy was just a cover so I could eliminate the terrorist threat in Guilford."   According to a media report, the attack on the King has been confined to the castle grounds, and so far 64 Guilford Militia troops have been killed or wounded. The Queen of Guilford was wounded by shrapnel and the King was shot in the left leg. The r...

FROM THE PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICE OF THE KING OF GUILFORD Members of the Guilford Royal Boy Scouts, a teenage version of the Guilford Militia, won their first merit badge for hunting when open season on dirty peasants began at 12:01 A.M. on the 10th of April. (The attached picture shows the Royal Boy Scouts in their seasonal Spring Garb with their first dirty peasant. The King's picture is on the back of each uniform.) "It's a program I started when I first became King," the King said. "We lost several militia during recent wars and I have to do something to replace them. The program is based on the military training regimen. We also use several techniques used to train U.S. Secret Service Agents." The Guilford Boy Scouts, all members of upper class Guilford families, carry only pistols until they become full fledged militia. In addition to hunting, the Scouts must earn badges in: 1. Cussing Peasants 2. Stomping Peasants 3. Hanging two peasants from on...

One of Guilford's best selling products for those with that sort of perverse way of viewing life. Here's how to avoid penile fracture: don't use it like a pry bar. Don't hang weights on it to make it longer. Part of it is inside your body, held straight by fiber tissue. If the fiber is ripped through surgery or other means, the penis may gain an inch, but then it won't be well-grounded and will wobble around. No one wants a wobbling penis because it won't get super erect, and when you go in the bathroom you'll probably hit walls, floors, and other people. A common way that penile fracture happens is when a man thrusts too hard and fast during sex, and slams into his partner's pubic bone. Also, a woman who moves in spastic jerks while on top of you during sex can break your penis. There is no "penis bone," but you can snap it like a dry twig, and it's not a minor injury. When it happens, there's "a loud pop or snap." The...