King of Guilford News

A Concise Christmas Photo Tour of the Guilford Castle (click photos to enlarge) The King is usually in turmoil and can be quite direct with his subjects (see sign at far left) , but then he seems to show Christmas spirit by the sign on the brick wall at right; until one of the servants let it slip that the sign was on the entrance to the Guilford Dungeon. The left photo shows Fred, the King's favorite peasant, hanging around the Castle Play Room. "He doesn't say much anymore," the King said. "And I can beat him at chess." On the right, the King's party crown is only brought out for special dinners or peasant hangings. The King's Card Game weapons: a stainless 45 caliber with special grips and 230 grain hollowpoints, and a 25 caliber double shot derringer. (He once had to pull both on a past Pope and the late John Gotti during marathon poker games. That funfest can be found in the Guilford historical record.) The King always carries both, which can m...

The missile recently fired over the California coast was from Guilford, the King said today. "It's my latest attempt to get someone to declare war on Guilford so we can get money to rebuild after they bomb my peasants." But it is not the type of warhead used in the recent Bonehead War , which began when some peasant called the King a bonehead. The new more powerful missile contains no humans and is based on Dwight Bingham’s close observation of drunks using pay toilets in all-night hamburger restaurants in the 1960s. Back then, many restaurants had pay toilets. Customers had to insert a dime in the coin slot to use the toilet. Pay toilets are also the origin of the dance called the Limbo as customers attempted to use the toilet without paying for it. After several experiments where he witnessed toilet doors being blown off the hinges by drunken patrons, Bingham wrote the thesis that has become the space flight Bible: Pay Toilet Door Hinge Failure Due To Food Induced Ex...

It's that time of the year again in Guilford, Indiana, where the peasants, like Christmas lights, hang from the trees year round. Every Saturday in September will be the late summer Drag Your Peasant Through The Creek Day. All Guilford residents are eligible to participate. Peasants being dragged must weigh at least 90 pounds and have arms and legs when the contest begins (artificial legs and arms acceptable). Draggers may not drag their wives, husbands, or other immediate family members. No four-wheelers allowed: horses only. The contest will be judged on speed, skips and bounces across boulders, and how much the peasant screams. First place will receive one brand new trained peasant from the Guilford Castle. Second place through last place get free beer and one night (without torture) chained in the Guilford dungeons. The King of Guilford says: "This replaces the annual drop your peasant in the creek day because the twelve-million dollar, two-hundred foot high tower c...

If one can believe the slanted public relations, the King of Guilford is always open, in his own way, to new ideas on how to make life more productive for his dirty peasants. Some insane U.S. health researcher states that people can do an intense workout for 45 minutes on one day a week and receive the same benefit as if they worked out every day. The King used that idea and the same criteria that led him to Dickie the Stick and Ronnie the Rock to develop a new exercise program using something called Robbie the Rope. "The concept isn't new," the King said. "But now you don't have to use expensive scaffolds with steps to exercise. You can use Robbie the Rope with any tree, shower stall head, door frame, or traffic light." Stretching exercises that normally take hours in the gym can be done in a matter of minutes. "The neck holds the key to pain free living. It allows the mind to concentrate on other things like proper breathing. Just don't over d...