Group Claims Guilford Peasants Are Psychotic

Typical Guilford peasants love to pose for pictures,
but it's best just to toss money at them and not stray too close.

According to a radical newsletter The King Sucks, Guilford peasants, including all children, are considered to be psychotic by current medical standards. Mindy Cox-Feeler, peasant advocate and editor, has been under a death sentence in Guilford for the past four years because of the newsletter. "The King must be overthrown," she said. "His insane policies have created a society of possibly inbred idiots who don't know what's good for them. The situation could possibly be caused from a number of factors, including the short lifespan of a Guilford peasant due to executions, lack of proper food, a loving family unit, and constant work in the fields without education. What it boils down to is they bite."

"Mindy will hang from the Guilford traffic light when I catch her," the King said. "She's just some rich girl with three names."  In Guilford, a peasant woman with three names is automatically sentenced to death under death penalty offense #612375-X...having an extra name because your husband's name wasn't good enough for you.

The King admits his peasants are considered to be repressed by the outside world, but they still love him, despite the 17 attempts on his life and 2000 executions last year. A total of 146 tourists either disappeared or were bitten by peasants in 2013. The Guilford Militia has tried to keep the situation under control, but its ranks were depleted due to budget cuts and the recent Bonehead War in Guilford.

The King laughed about the criticism. "The only difference between the Guilford Kingdom and the rest of the United States is I don't lie to my peasants. When I say they will hang if they sing a country song around me and they do, I will hang them without ninety appeals or higher court rulings."

The King also talked about the coming year. "I keep trying to get the U.S. to declare war on Guilford so I can get money to build a new castle after they bomb the old one. But right now, they seem to be in more financial trouble than Guilford. I may even have to lend them money this year to repair any damage done by previous administrations."

The confusing Guilford traffic light that also doubles as a hanging tree.
Obey this light, if you can figure it out, or hang from it. The King doesn't care.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Torture In Guilford: Humane And Healthy Way

Image
Forget psychologists and their waterboarding, sleep deprival, beatings and starvation. The U.S. Government should have contracted with Guilford to get information from enemies, according to the King. "We've always had a solution in Guilford. I'm not saying we don't torture for fun here. Some of these dirty peasants deserve it. There is nothing more exciting than seeing a toothless peasant dangling by the crotch or neck from a traffic light. But when we really need to get answers from terrorists, we use one thing that works and is also covered by many healthcare providers and is performed maybe a thousand times a day all over the country. I'm talking about the angiogram . Check an enemy for heart disease and then obtain all the information you can handle." The Guilford Torture Manual* * section 14/page 297 revised with added diagnostics and a free yo-yo. The Angiogram 1. Take terrorist to cold room full of strange pulsing machines and str
Read more

German Author In Guilford

Image
The King's German cousin makes an entry into the mystery market. King's Cousin To Release Mystery Gunther G. Gonzo had never written a mystery before he moved to Guilford. "I based it on a story I had heard from a police officer in Berlin. I added a few things, like a huge collective farm in dairy country, and a rodeo, a big city bar, and the missing chicken." "It's a spy novel," the King said. "The lead character is named Dennis so how could I not like it. Everyone knows that everyone on the planet was named Dennis until they did something wrong. Dennis represents purity and virtue." "Yeah, that's it," Gonzo told reporters. "The midget on the cover is the lead character's right hand man, Jacko. The chicken and the model are also from the dungeon kitchen." "We got a big dungeon," the King said. Mindy Raghorn Wallace Gippy, a Guilford fugitive reporter from The King Sucks magazine, w
Read more

Zoo To Release Animals In Mount Airy Forest

Image
Some of the animals to look for in Mt. Airy after the Wednesday release. GNS News: April 4, Cincinnati: Cincinnati Zoo To Release Zoo Animals In Mt. Airy Forest Due to budget cuts caused by the continued dispute over street car issues, parking, and their own salaries, the mayor's office approved a plan to release lions, cheetahs, three wolfs, two elephants, a rhino, and a giant python in Mt. Airy Forest Friday morning April 4, 2018. "We can no longer afford to feed them," a zoo official said late Sunday night. "This forces us to go along with the release program." The unidentified zoo spokesperson, who was not authorized to release information, said there would be a certain risk involved to surrounding communities, especially from the predators. "Mt. Airy Forest has over fifteen hundred acres in the center of several communities. We are asking   that everyone avoid the picnic areas and their backyards during this trying t
Read more